Losing Hope

[Accuray]

I've never quoted myself before, seems wrong in some way, but I'm going to do it to echo what Adinva said:

My best advice to you right now would just be to slow down. You told H you were done being in limbo and were going to move on. That undoubtedly made him panic, which lead to him consulting a lawyer. Then you panicked and consulted your own lawyer. You lit that fuse by telling H you were done. Slow it down -- no declarations. Don't telegraph your intentions, just let it ride.

This is often SUPER difficult, so the best thing you can do is put a date on your calendar two weeks from now and just tell yourself you're not going to do ANYTHING to shift the playing field until then. Just sit on your hands. If you make it two weeks, reassess. Either it will be time to make a new plan, or you can decide to hang out for another two weeks.

(From yesterday)

So this just happened again, H sees flowers and escalates, that makes you crazy and you escalate, and the two of you are feeding off each other's energy in a negative cycle that's just pushing you farther apart.

One of you has to put the brakes on, and it as to be YOU. You know what? That's not fair, but that's how it is. You have to be the better person if you want to save your marriage.

When I was going through the worst of it I felt like I was waking up every day and putting on a 100 lb backpack full of rocks and walking around with a forced smile. My W was literally doing NOTHING to try to save our marriage. I was doing everything and she was trying to argue with me constantly to try to sabotage my efforts.

When we're married, we come to expect that we're owed fairness from our spouse. Unfortunately, when your spouse throws in the towel and is ready to walk, the rules are now different and you're not owed anything. You have to be willing to do all the work in every situation and be okay with it.

In this situation, doing all the work is turning the other cheek, rising above, and just letting H's hurtful texts roll off your back.

People operate from one of two places -- one is love and the other is fear. Your H is operating from fear, that's really all anger, spite, and hurtfulness are, reactions to fear. Understand that and empathize with where he is. It will help you come from a place of love.

Accuray