ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Maybe some outside help too? Where did your sense of self worth come from, do you have things you need to work through? You're not really ready to be in a relationship if you're not whole with yourself, so take this time to work that stuff out and know your worth independent of your H. That can't help but be more appealing anyhow, no matter where you go in life.
And, I've been wanting to tell you, SLOW DOWN! you're so reactive! You hardly seem to know how you feel before you're here typing and submitting it, and probably have a habit of being this reactive with H too. I agree with whoever said it above, it sounds like lashing out because of hurt. Decide not to make any decisions, heck decide not to have any opinions, for a whole day or two after something starts to set you off, so you can recenter yourself and think, and act from your true beliefs and toward your own best interest.
This could be another area where you can make some relationship improvements all on your own.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I thought the same thing about the red roses, that guy was interfering in a bad way. Either trying to provoke your H and make him jealous, or trying to get closer to you. People in the real world who want to help, other than trained professionals, are not usually really helpful.
I think you made your point to your H about the roses and should let the issue drop completely. if H brings it up see how casually you can suggest that you're sorry he feels so strongly about the flowers because they meant less than nothing to you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
When you start getting stressed or about to get emotional- take a breath- shut your mouth and do math problems in your head.....addition subtraction multiplication- hell division if your advanced
It works
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I've never quoted myself before, seems wrong in some way, but I'm going to do it to echo what Adinva said:
Originally Posted By: Accuray
My best advice to you right now would just be to slow down. You told H you were done being in limbo and were going to move on. That undoubtedly made him panic, which lead to him consulting a lawyer. Then you panicked and consulted your own lawyer. You lit that fuse by telling H you were done. Slow it down -- no declarations. Don't telegraph your intentions, just let it ride.
This is often SUPER difficult, so the best thing you can do is put a date on your calendar two weeks from now and just tell yourself you're not going to do ANYTHING to shift the playing field until then. Just sit on your hands. If you make it two weeks, reassess. Either it will be time to make a new plan, or you can decide to hang out for another two weeks.
(From yesterday)
So this just happened again, H sees flowers and escalates, that makes you crazy and you escalate, and the two of you are feeding off each other's energy in a negative cycle that's just pushing you farther apart.
One of you has to put the brakes on, and it as to be YOU. You know what? That's not fair, but that's how it is. You have to be the better person if you want to save your marriage.
When I was going through the worst of it I felt like I was waking up every day and putting on a 100 lb backpack full of rocks and walking around with a forced smile. My W was literally doing NOTHING to try to save our marriage. I was doing everything and she was trying to argue with me constantly to try to sabotage my efforts.
When we're married, we come to expect that we're owed fairness from our spouse. Unfortunately, when your spouse throws in the towel and is ready to walk, the rules are now different and you're not owed anything. You have to be willing to do all the work in every situation and be okay with it.
In this situation, doing all the work is turning the other cheek, rising above, and just letting H's hurtful texts roll off your back.
People operate from one of two places -- one is love and the other is fear. Your H is operating from fear, that's really all anger, spite, and hurtfulness are, reactions to fear. Understand that and empathize with where he is. It will help you come from a place of love.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
