[adinva]

Talk with an individual counselor trained to help you work through all of your emotions surrounding this pregnancy. I would assume your counselor, being religious, will have a bias that would be difficult to contain. You need to think all the way through all the ramifications of keeping and terminating the pregnancy so you can be really really clear on what YOU want to do, independent of what anybody else in the world wants you to do.

I would suggest keeping your interaction with H to the absolute minimum, and I would not dignify his request for proof. If you move forward with the pregnancy, God willing, the proof will become evident in due time. If I mentally go through the idea of him sitting there while you do a test, and then examining the result, I cannot imagine a scenario where he say, "oh my, my eyes have been opened. This is real, and now I don't think you did it on purpose." No way no how. You're more likely just going to get a bunch more verbal abuse. For the protection of yourself, and for the protection of any possible good image you might ever have of your children's father, let him go through his emotions away from you. Because he is angry, feels trapped, feels scared, is worried about money, and has no one but you to blame it on and take it out on. This is pure emotion talking and the only way you'll know what he'll do in the future is to be as calm and gracious and detached as you possibly can, and then wait and see. Actions speak louder than words.

Plan, though, plan on worst case scenarios so you know you're ok no matter what. Plan if you keep the pregnancy how you will line up your support system and how you will manage. Talk to others who've been there or are going through it now, so you can check your unrealistic fears. If you are able, talk to people who chose to terminate too, so you have all the information you can gather. I think an IC could be invaluable in working through fears and making decisions.

In my opinion, the best way to prove to H that you didn't do this to get him back is to let him go, right now, like a hot potato. Push him away, tell him you are just FINE thank you and don't need to listen to any more abuse from him. Leave him free to make his own decisions and choices without any pressure at all. If he is going to see you differently, it's ONLY going to be by you acting differently. It sounds really hard, but then again, right now is he acting like anyone you'd want to come back and parent a new baby with you?

(((((hugs)))))