The View from the Blanket III

[bustingout]

I like it too SIAS :-)

Journal

What NG posted on her thread really resonated with how I feel right now.

Alright, he is leaving in two days. Back to Dubai with his OW. Tonight we had a family movie night that was lovely. Tomorrow he made plans with his relatives for us all to go out on the boat and spend the afternoon together. We were going to do this anyway. He invited his relatives. I am happy for this. I love his relatives. Is he making it easier on himself to not just be with me as the only adult? Who knows.

I had a talk a few days ago with H and spoke about shame and behaviours.

I know he knows how I feel and he also knows I am really good with who I am right now, despite his leaving.

I am ready for the next stage whatever it may be.

He seems a little softer now but I am not putting anything in to it.

I have made made plans for the night he leaves for both my kids and for myself (after the kids sleep asked my girlfriends to come over). I am trying to take care of myself by having people I love and that love around me. Given what happened the last time H left and the kids' reactions I also have a plan for them. No matter what I will remain upbeat for them. When H is here, more and more he is a more involved father. That is good. I accept I am not a part of his life.

It was weird today though. He told me he bought a car in Dubai. He said I know what you are thinking, that I have completely moved there. I said no, actually, I am thinking the car you bought has a good resale value for when you leave. He said that is what I was thinking too. I said did you not tell me about the car in the first place because of the cost? he said no. you didnt ask. I said how would I know to ask? He said you never asked how I get around when I am there. I thought to myself..well I dont ask because I dont want to know details because it all reminds me of how you left and are with OW. Yet, his response seemed like he thought I didnt care what was happening with him.

I dont know what to do sometimes. If I ask, I am prying and getting the cold shoulder, or getting information I dont want to know, or not seeming to care.