Ok, finally we've had some communication tonight. Usually it's S calling me on the phone, but tonight it was W on the phone. A pleasant surprise for me. She explained that between the cold and work, she's been very tired at the end of the day and that was the reason for not staying in touch. She did most of the talking and told me about all the new things that she's been doing to make positive changes for herself. Seeking a better depression med, connecting with pen pals, simplifying the home and getting it ready for the move, reconnecting with old friends, etc. I told her I was pleased that she's happy and finding joy in her new things. After talking about the kids and her insights on different cultures, she asked what I was up to and I just told her getting ready for a fundraiser dinner tomorrow night and other than that a whole lot of nothing. She asked how my fitness was going and I told her it was going good. I was surprised she asked! I spoke with S for a little bit, then she wanted to talk at me before calling it a night. She told me that she was glad I was coming up to help out and that we were able to have this conversation tonight. So this was a nice ending for the evening. Now, I will mention that in the conversation, she did express to me that when she was with OM, that he didn't care about her appearance (weight) and made her feel beautiful regardless. I told her I understand and remember how she used to tell me about when she'd get a look or a compliment from another man and how good it would make her feel. I told her that I need to work at that and I've failed in the past to remind her how I feel. I could tell that made her feel uneasy and I didn't say anything further. So it appears to me that she's in the "don't tell me, show me" mode perhaps. I'll be sure to finish reading 5 LL a 2nd time before I go on the trip. I'll have my notebook with too.
M1, as I promised, I'll respond fully to your post.
As I've said before, I acknowledge that I missed a great opportunity. Having said that I'll move on and learn my lesson and not beat myself up about it.
The nice thing from tonight's talk was that W is going to wait for D's B-day party until I get there. BTW, I think I'll stay for only 4 days. I do know that being there is for the kids, yes.
Well I did find out our next 3-day weekend is in June and we'll see how things go on the May trip to see if it would be a good idea to go again. I understand she still needs time and space and I WILL NOT expect any intimacy.
I plan on starting small. I first need to pay attention to her and listen to her and be ready for the verbal/non-verbal cues so I can act on them and begin the transformation of myself to be more thoughtful. Visit goals: 1. Treat her the way she treated me in the past with her thoughtful kindness and not to expect anything in return.
2. Allow her plenty of space from the kids so she can have some "me time."
3. Show her I can be a confident spouse that doesn't need to solve everything for her. Listen to and validate her.
I think these are a good start for the short time I'll be there.
