[in_it]

Thanks to you both. There's a lot I'd like to say, but I know I shouldn't. Especially right now when this is his mind frame.

I may just type up an email on my lunch hour that I'd like to send & post it here instead.

[in_it]

Ok, here's the email I'd like to send to H & know that I probably should not.
Advice & feedback welcome.

H,
It's hard. What I'm going through right now I would wish on nobody.
I want you to understand my feelings. I want you to know that I did not quit taking birth control, this was not some big plan, ploy, or scheme. It hurts for you to call me a scheming piece of sh...

I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm uneasy & unsure. I'm broken. I'm at a loss. I'm torn. I'm wondering why & how come? A child should be an exciting time for the to be parents & all I can do is be mad & upset.

I've been praying & seeking out God to help me & speak to me. I went to counseling yesterday & all I could do is cry. I couldn't bring myself to tell him what was wrong or what I'm going through. He just let me sob & told me that he would be here whenever I was ready to talk. At the end of the session we prayed together & he asked God to reach out & touch me & help guide me through this difficult time.

I've told you & agreed with you from the beginning-I don't want the girls to be your sole reason for choosing or not choosing me. I don't want this pregnancy to be either. It hurts me to think that because of this you have changed so quickly. I still can't believe you would think I did this on purpose. I ask for you to take some time to reflect on what is happening. Neither of us asked for this, but now it's here.

It hurts for me to hear you won't be in this baby's life. I refuse to believe that's how you really feel. You love your children. Obviously this baby wasn't conceived under any circumstance that either of us wanted.

What do you think rejecting this baby will do to you & the girls in the long run? The older they get & once they understand what their father has done, do you think that will hurt them & your relationship? I hate to think about it.

I believe everything happens for a reason & God has a plan for us. I just wish I knew what it was right now. One amazing thing that has happened to me during our situation is me actually finding God. I never had that growing up. Me finding The Lord has been a savior & will continue to get me through each day.

Right now I ask for time. Time for both of us. I think we both need a little time to overcome our emotions & deal with this while considering each other. I want to be able to talk to you. I don't want to be called a scheming pos every time it's mentioned. I want to be able to actually discuss our feelings. I want your support while going through this.

[in_it]

Just received another text from H.

H: have you went to the store & got a test & taken it?
M: no
H: how do you know you're pregnant then, you don't.
M: the dr gave me a test
H: you haven't taken one
M: you want me to?
H: yes

Now I'm thinking he thinks I made this whole thing about being pg up & I'm going to come to him sometime & tell him I lost the baby.

Should I take a test tonight when home so he can see it?

[jp787]

I would wait for a vet to dissect this with you.

[Alias71]

Personally, I would base on it on whether you are ready for the consequences of the confirmation.

He wants it confirmed so is now better than later?

[in_it]

Dissect is the perfect word use here, thank you jp.
At this point I feel like I'm ready to just quit. Quit everything. I can't believe the things he is saying. It's sad. I don't even know if I want to go home after work. I would never do that to my daughters, but putting on the happy persona for them is going to be hard. Thursday is the only night of the week we don't have something going on. It's going to be hard this evening.

[in_it]

Alias-I'm not sure really? What are the consequences going to be? He's already told me that he will have nothing to do with this child & he wants me to terminate the pregnancy.

Maybe him actually seeing a positive test will open up his mind & make it real?

[Alias71]

I could've worded it better. I think it comes down to your own state of mind.

A positive confirmation will, presumably, lead to debate and hassle.

No test will, I assume, lead to less debate and less hassle....for now.


I wish I could offer more than that. Something more inciteful. I feel for you, it's such a difficult situation, and I just hope that his response is more gracious than before.

[cat04]

In it,

Not much time at the moment.

Get the test results from your doctor. They should be able to fax them to you.

Other than providing the proof, I wouldn't discuss it further at the moment. You need to make some decisions regardless of your H.

Are you prepared to raise this child on your own?

Two weeks after my bomb, my doctors told me they suspected cancer. Bad cancer. My x, accused me of causing it to trap him. It was at that point that I knew I had to make my decisions regarding that, for me and me alone and my M and X were and entirely separate issue.

Will post more later...

[in_it]

Alias-thanks for the clarification.

Cat-thanks for some insight.
I do need time. Time to think & process my thoughts. Raising the child on my own is terrifying. It's terrifying to think of me possibly becoming a single mom with the two children I already have, let alone a newborn. It scares me to think that he may just really not want or have anything to do with this child. I'm scared of what that would do to the child, my daughters, me, & even him down the road.