Not confused...trying to move forward...

[BRNR]

Oh Portia...I hear you girl. So true everything you said...

I just had a good cry at work since everyone left the office...and through the words of you and Snodderly I have gotten my relief for today...

I had to laugh though, because you said two things that for a few seconds took me back to Sunday...

I find that rough days often come on the heels of "discussions" or "incidences" with the H/partners.

This is why I am having a rough day I think...still replaying the words of the conversation...

and

Rome was not built in a day

these were the words of my H at the closing of our conversation...

You must've been there in my spirit as NO one has said this phrase to me in quite some time and to hear it from him and you within a matter of days regarding the same situation I find comical.

But this is a roller coaster ride that I wish I could jump off of often when the ride is at its peak. I wish it would go away, but just like the marriage took a long time to make, it is going to take a long time to break (even though H feels differently). These were my words the day he left the home, and I believe in this still today.

Do you honestly think getting into another relationship right now would all of a sudden cure your grief? It would be the same band-aid that our partners used and it isn't working for them.

This would be a band aid, I know...and honestly, not really my mindset although I can see why you would think that I think so. In all actuality I have had a chance to get into a relationship and have avoided that person like the plague because it is not what I want or is best for me.

I was always independent, my H would tell me too independent at times, and now that I need help and support I don't have anyone to do that. Catch 22, the way I see it.

Time is my friend, and I know everything will get better in time...but the space between the here and now and the end is what I am navigating, what I am still struggling with.

And no Portia, your words weren't harsh. Honestly, whenever someone here on the boards or in real life is harsh, the better I feel, and the more clearly I see.

I think partially that is because it is the smack I need to wake up, and because it is honest and true...it makes me realize the situation for what it is.

So, my small steps to make me happy are...

1-Take my boys to a professional soccer game. Not sure this weekend will be nice enough,so maybe on my next weekend with them.
2-Clear out some of the clutter that H left as to not be reminded of his presence
3-Work on the small manageable stuff on the house that H and I always wanted to do. I have a lot of painting to do...starting with my bedroom first...
4-Pick up my sewing habits again. I need to make some new couch pillows and cushion covers and now I have time to make that work.

I have a couple other larger short-term goals as well.
1-Before bomb drop I was working on my book keeping certification and lets just say, I was not into it all this time, even though i tried.
2-Writing (and maybe one day publishing) a book. I had one started, a love story, but I now I have a new idea based on some current experiences that I have outlined, and ready to start...