I am so very sorry you are having a rough day. I find that rough days often come on the heels of "discussions" or "incidences" with the H/partners. Just enough to remind ourselves that this is a rollercoaster.
Originally Posted By: BRNR
So, I guess life just doesn't work according to anyone's plan. I have laid low, both on the boards and in my personal life...thinking, crying, and grieving.
This is OK, B. But Rome was not built in a day and neither should you have to immediately "solve" this problem in a matter of a day. Oh, yes, I thought the same thing. Give me a month and surely I will be over it. I had and still have a lot to learn.
Originally Posted By: BRNR
I was holding on, I see that now, and have held on too long...my H is no longer my husband. He has changed, through his own admission. My husband died when he had the affair, that he still continues, again by his own admission. I am going to take some time to grieve the death, the death of my husband, the death of my marriage, and then focus on me and the boys and our future.
I know this is what everyone has been saying all along...and I tried to listen, I really did. But knowing and acting upon it are two different things.
Again B, it's OK. Acceptence takes time. Someone can describe the taste of something but until you actually taste it for yourself and experience it for yourself, the description does not have the same meaning. In DR, MWD describes DB'ing as being one of the hardest things in the world to do. When I read that at first, I read it and understood but until I began this journey, never truly and concretely knew that was and is true. This is YOUR journey, too.
Originally Posted By: BRNR
I feel like the other woman has won! She has won my husband, the man I married, the man that I nurtured, supported, and loved throughout the past fifteen years. I want to strangle her neck. If given the opportunity, at this time, I know this is what I would do.
I agree with Snodderly's comments but know exactly what you mean. It is hard not to hate her and all she has come to stand for. I am working on it, still.
Originally Posted By: BRNR
I can't fathom going alone in this world without that. That is what I want, that is what would make me happy, that is what I am lacking in my life to fill me completely. I have everything else that I want...2 beautiful children, a job that I enjoy, and friends that make me laugh and are supportive. I have my home that was something H and I achieved together, but that I will be able to maintain on my own, should and when the situation progress when he stops supporting me financially.
Everything except love from a man. This is what I want...and while I know that everyone (including me) has stated that a relationship with another is no way to save your marriage, going without one is not making me happy. Urghh...so frustrating.
B, I know you are having a rough day but this is a mindset that you must get yourself out of, even if your H came running back to you. Look again at your list...it is only H that is missing right now. Do nor think of what you are lacking, think of what you have. Now, I know that is a big part of your life and can I sympathize with that feeling! After BD, all of my independence came crashing down around my ears. Shifting your focus takes time...I am still not there yet.
Your lesson is clear: Learn to make YOU happy. No one but you is responsible for that - no one. Will it take time? Of course! Do you honestly think getting into another relationship right now would all of a sudden cure your grief? It would be the same band-aid that our partners used and it isn't working for them.
I hope I didn't come across as sounding too harsh with you. I know the pain you are feeling. We all have work to do.
