cadet, i always smile when i hear from you bc i love the way you think and write.
and i am not saying that i don't love her (i do and continue to choose to do so), but it feels as if the "in love" feeling has shifted (perhaps that is detachment?) i am seeing things more clearly and am more secure that i AM okay (it is no longer that I will be okay, but that I already am). i am able to say that she has given up something (our M) and someone worth keeping and treasuring... i am able to accept that our life paths may diverge forever and that if so, it will be for my own good, that there may very well be something more beautiful around the corner.
this is not to say that i am ready to move on or date.. my commitment to my M is still there, it feels like a forever bond to me right now, i am not sure if the D being final next month can change that... and i am not sure when or how it will shift. i am trying to not be concerned about that, but to take each step one at a time and trust in the work i am doing to love myself and others better..
each day, if my mind turns to missing her, i say to myself that "if i love her, i let her go" and i find some weird peace in thinking that if i love her, i want her to be happy, even if it is without me. i think that she is making a huge mistake but it is hers to make and i wish her well.
that being said, i do not want to be in her life now while she is with OW... i got stuck for awhile thinking that, to forgive, that i needed to be able to be her friend.. i think now that forgiveness has layers too... like detachment.. it is not one step but a series... and i am unsure where the unwrapping of those layers will go.. but again, i am trusting there too.. that my own growth will give more clarity to it.
and IO, i agree so fully with what you said.. finding and maintaining the balance between acceptance and change (of ourselves) is a lifelong process and i would like to build some better awareness of when i am falling off balance one way or the other. any thoughts on how to keep the two in balance?
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
