Thanks for your responses everybody. Sandi, you don't have to apologize for a long post. I love 'em and I appreciate your taking the time to offer the advice.
After a couple of R talks recently (initiated by W), and after working on a few 180s for quite some time, I fooled myself into thinking that perhaps she was having second thoughts. I went into it with certain expectations and it appears now that I indeed was just setting myself up for an even bigger disappointment.
Today, W received a book in the mail about D. She has really been hammering away about wanting to talk to the MC or a finacial advisor about the financial aspects of D, and I kept...not resisting, exactly...just not greasing the rails, in a sense. But the more honest I am with myself, the more I'm confronted with the reality of the fact that my M is nearing its end. I'm gutted. I've let my W down, I've let my children down, I've let myself down.
So, as much as it hurts me to say, I think it's time to give up the struggle. The impact on all of us will be enormous, but if she has made up her mind, no amount of reasoning, no amount of bending over backwards, will ever get her to reconsider.
SO, it's time to wave the white flag. I'm going to cooperate with her and give her what she wants. I just hope she's happy, I really do. Life will go on, I'm still devoted to my...our...kids. I'm going to be pretty busy looking for a job, learning to take on the responsibilities that my W mostly handled up until now. I'll continue with IC and if W insists, I'll go back to MC to try and make the transition more smoothe. I'll be sure not to let myself be treated as a doormat. And I'll try to keep a PMA through it all. Work on myself: just like everybody's been telling me to do, and what I fooled myself into thinking I was actually doing. What a dope.
In short, I'm no longer going to stand in the way of W getting what she wants, or of my getting what I need. It's time to move on.
W said to me this weekend that she wished everyone would just stop hoping. Maybe she's onto something. When you've got no hope, you can never be let down, isn't that the saying? Yeah, to hell with hope. Time to start looking after myself and to looking toward a hopefully bright future post-D.
Papa4Life signing off. Over and out.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Please don't sign off! We are here to try to give you support in whatever happens. I don't want you to leave sounding so hopeless. It sure wasn't my intent to talk you into giving up. I just wanted you to see the things you were doing were not going to make much difference in her decision.
I think, however, if you will "let her go" and start living like you've let her go, that you will be able to feel completely different about everything....instead of this hopelessness that you're feeling right now. B/c when you let her go, you let go of the rope....and when you really let go of the rope, you change.
But before I continue, I want to know if you're still here with us.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm actually quite positive about the future and I'm taking steps to help change things about myself that I'm not satisfied with. But the pursuing, the reasoning, the going out of my wat to bend over backwards, and, yes, the hope that we can work things out is all over.
I've decided now to make working on myself my #1 priority. Everybody who's been telling me that had it right all along.
So, now it's on to figuring out the next step.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Ok P4L, not too long ago you gave me a 2x4 so now returning the favor....... (and partially a reminder to myself)
Looking after yourself - absolutely!
Giving up - never!! You, your children and even your W deserve more than that.
It's hard - I realize that but it is absolutely worth it. Even if things don't end up as you originally expected they would......
Stay Strong!!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Well you do understand that it's still possible to turn things around. But that's up to you.
No, it's not really up to me anymore. It's just like what everybody says on these boards: I can't control W's feelings or actions, and she's made it clear that she "really wants a D", so I'm not going to fight it anymore. I'm just going to stop any kind of reasoning and letting myself be treated like a doormat and focus on finding that confident, happy guy I used to be. But the expectations and hopes I had, I've just had to let them go.
I guess I just never got the whole DBing principle, because I just made mistake after mistake, and now that I've decided to just let go and give W what she says she wants, now people are telling me that that's the wrong approach too. Wish I could afford telephone counselling, but right now I've got to start saving every dime to put towards my own apartment and legal costs.
Originally Posted By: SemperFi00
Ok P4L, not too long ago you gave me a 2x4 so now returning the favor....... (and partially a reminder to myself)
Looking after yourself - absolutely!
Giving up - never!! You, your children and even your W deserve more than that.
It's hard - I realize that but it is absolutely worth it. Even if things don't end up as you originally expected they would......
Stay Strong!!
Hi Semper. Thanks, amigo, I appreciate the encouraging words. It's great that you are offering help to others on this board, because you do "learn by teaching", and I know that most of the advice I offer is usually directed just as much towards myself.
I'm not giving up entirely. I'm still going to try to use the DB techniques. And I will most certainly remain devoted to my kids. I've just accepted that my W has made up her mind and I'm not going to waste any more time trying to make her reconsider.
It's a bit odd, really, I feel quite positive at the moment. Like a weight is off my shoulders. Who knows, maybe this step will actually turn out to be positive for everyone. Like I say, I have enormous respect and admiration for my W, and at the end of the day, I want her to be happy.
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Told W last night that I understand now how serious she is about wanting a D, and that I am no longer going to try to make her change her mind or try to "win her back". She wants to talk to the MC tomorrow, and I agreed to go along, even though I told her earlier this week that I wouldn't.
I saw her upstairs again later and he mentioned something (I forget what) and I made some snarky comment. So I went to her room and just said that this new realization is going to take some getting used to. I told her that I loved her and that I hoped we could stay friends for the sake of the kids. then I left.
Later, she knocked on my door to offer me a tissue because she heard me crying a bit (didn't think she would). She reiterated that she really does want a D and that she never meant to hurt me. Then she started really bawling. I asked her to come sit down, and I rubbed her back a little and just said that everything would work out in the end and she left.
Then this morning W said she would be home by 5 to pick up D9 for hockey. I said, but you have to pick her up by 4:15 so she can get ready. W said she had appointments until 4:00 and couldn't leave any earlier! Great, I'm trying to get her to start sharing the burden with the kids and she can't just once make time to let me have time for myself. She told me, "I'm resonsible for a large group of people and I can't just change my schedule at the drop of a hat like you can." Nice. This no-more-doormat thing is going to be trickier than I thought!
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
Well you do understand that it's still possible to turn things around. But that's up to you.
See, it kinda irks me when people suggest that it's not working because of something "I" did wrong. Do you have any suggestions? Or do you just mean that I shouldn't stop trying? I mean, I realize that I'm making every mistake in the book, but if shifting the focus to myself isn't the answer, then what in the world is?
M41 W42 M 12 T 15 S10, D9, twin Ds 3 1/2 BD 1/2/2013 Living as roommates Working on D agreement w. mediator 5/13
P4L... I think what Bond is trying to say is that, YOU can turn things around by focusing on YOU, if that what you really want. Like me, you tend to focus your energy on her/M. I"m stil learning. Its hard to understand. Its hard to do.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
P4L, sorry that you are in this situation and experiencing such confusion and pain. Been there, done that (and sometime still do on days).
Originally Posted By: Papa4Life
No, it's not really up to me anymore. It's just like what everybody says on these boards: I can't control W's feelings or actions, and she's made it clear that she "really wants a D", so I'm not going to fight it anymore. I'm just going to stop any kind of reasoning and letting myself be treated like a doormat and focus on finding that confident, happy guy I used to be. But the expectations and hopes I had, I've just had to let them go.
I guess I just never got the whole DBing principle, because I just made mistake after mistake, and now that I've decided to just let go and give W what she says she wants, now people are telling me that that's the wrong approach too. Wish I could afford telephone counselling, but right now I've got to start saving every dime to put towards my own apartment and legal costs.
From your post above you may be indicating that you understand the DB principles better than you realize. What I mean by that is that letting go of what you previously expected, not fighting against the D, not being a doormat and finding the old, confident you are all steps the right direction.
Doing these things are all things that you control and are really the only things that have a chance at contributing to you continuing to have a R w/W. Doing these things will also make you better/stronger person regardless of how things are resolved.
Stay strong and keep posting.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
