Portia, thanks for sharing. I love to hear additions and share in what others have learned.
Quote:
We can only control ourselves. Such a hard lesson for us "fixers" to learn. As much as we can see the MLCer destroying himself, we cannot save them from the train wreck.
I would like to add this one to my list. I thought I could control how H felt for so long because that was how the M was, "happy wife, happy life" was his moto! Until the day it wasn't!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Oh, my goodness! My H announced today that he has moved back into my room and now he is here to stay, but he is a man without feelings or heart so can I handle that. He said, I'm here but I am going to turn into an assaHole again, not to you, but you better pray for God to stike me down.
Really! I said I have been trying for weeks to work out a S so he can be free, live alone and play with his maggot friends. I went as far as saying, your right I will be ok when you leave and I will maintain the house and family, to which he answered I trust you will. Then I said to him nowhere in that conversation did I say please come "home" I want you back. I even reminded him about helping him with suitcases to which he said, smiling, an evil twisted man like me doesn't need things if he's leaving his family, so I wouldn't have packed up anyways.
He said he's going to work as much as he can, come home, do dishes, and be empty, can I handle that? I said no, I asked you to leave! Is this part of him doing the MLC opposite? I said your free to go, he said I was always free to leave, I said then why do you say " let me go". He said he doesn't understand the craziness in his head, he doesn't want to live anywhere, not even here, he wants to die. Though he does say he is not suicidal. He hates life because its just to hard and unfair, and he's a huge coward, and afraid, so he's just gonna sit in my house and be empty.
I said go live with ea, he said no, I keep telling you we are not in a R, she's crazies than I thought. I said I'm not leaving my family. Does he want the security of home to go crazy without fear? He's quiet, to himself in my room, but oh so gone! I'm not inclined to push him out the door, he's so sick, is that bad of me, am I being a doormat or companionate? I told him people are asking why don't I just throw you out, he said tell them because we're not that kind of family???!!! Huh?!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
H said he has done too much, he passed the point of asking for forgiveness because he has been so wrong. He will not ask or seek forgiveness from me, the kids or even God.
How should I respond, I actually ended saying nothing. I thought he needs to figure that out for himself, was that ok, or are there words to help him along. It's almost as if he's saying I'm going to stay angry because none of you would forgive me anyway. Should I say anything (magical)?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I'm not inclined to push him out the door, he's so sick, is that bad of me, am I being a doormat or companionate?
you're a kind and loving person (with a long long memory) that's all. for better or worse.
Quote:
H said he has done too much, he passed the point of asking for forgiveness because he has been so wrong. He will not ask or seek forgiveness from me, the kids or even God
wouldja think by saying that he WAS asking??? sort of. just how it seems. i'd think you could always just offer the information (if it were true) that both would very probably be willing to forgive.
interesting turn of events. is he less mad, spewing & laying disabled by his depression? any behavior improvement that might be signaling something here? just curious.
i'm thinking if he's mentioning the forgive word. the family word - so on- it's stuff that means something to him and he's "fishing". i'm not saying dive in and beg him to stay. im' just curious how you're viewing it all- how you want to play it or what you want to convey back. silence is always best if you're not sure what you want to say, convey or to happen.
good luck - will keep watching to see how it goes. always something new isn't it? are you exhausted or what.
maybe on some level you and the kids and the baby coming are a big big wakeup call of the family continuing - having something happy to look forward to - not crumbling because of him- life continuing DESPITE him- and he wants in (or back in) or maybe he can see it's something going forward and upbeat and wants to attach himself somehow to that? i don't know- a half baked kind of notion about him and "his family" and what might be in his head based on comments?
just guessing- don't do or not do anything cause of me- i'm thinking out loud and throwin it out there for your consideration.
I have constructed my personal list of things I have learned painfully over the last yr. This is of course is nothing more that a list of what I have been advised over this time by everyone on this site, but this is a list of what I have finally accepted for myself.
What I have learned....
When a spouse wants to walk away, let them, offer a suitcase, and you decide if you want to leave the door ajar behind them.
MLCer's do NOT live happily ever after with OW or OM
Let go sooner rather than later.
MLC has nothing to do with you, it's a personal crisis they blame on you.
Revenge isn't nessecery, they will ruin themselves all on their own.
As soon as the bomb drops, go NC and protect yourself.
Remember to love and respect yourself, as much as you were willing to love your spouse. I seem to shortchange myself, but lavish him.
You have been living a with a false H for quite some time, by the time they bomb you they have already been at this for a while.
Don't look back in pain and romanticize your R, accept the last few yrs for what they were, and see your S for who they have become.
They are not the S's we know, they are strangers with strange ideas and no filter for how they will treat you.
The acceptance stage can end up being that they accept all their own MLC lingo as truth and it becomes who they are, and how they want to live the rest of their life.
Loneliness is not a reason to compromise yourself to you S. What am I missing anyway, H is not good enough for me anymore, he's gone!
This is my montra for when I feel down or anxious, it's helps me move forward, I pray for the day it comes natural for me and "all about H" is truly an afterthought.
There is no end to this list for me, I am still learning and growing everyday. I learn from this site everyday, I am thankful for all I read here and everyone who shares their personal story.
Thanks for sharing, very nice & helpful summary!!!!! Although not quite as dramatic, I have similar situation w/WAW.
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
I know he is not going to move, nor does he want to, I find ea in his life to be extremely damaging, and very addicting, and disrespectful to the fullest, and that is the biggest reason for my lack of patients with him. That alone is my the rage that wells up inside of me and wants him out of my life completely, for ever. But, I do wait is seems!
I have already told him when we part it will be for good, I'm not interested in knowing him or dealing with him part time since he has ea to be his friend now. It's not and ultimatum, it's my truth. He says he's ok with that because he doesn't deserve anything better, I know fog spew! My real reason is also I don't need to see the results of my 53yr old H rolling in the gutter.
Quote:
maybe on some level you and the kids and the baby coming are a big big wakeup call of the family continuing - having something happy to look forward to - not crumbling because of him- life continuing DESPITE him- and he wants in (or back in) or maybe he can see it's something going forward and upbeat and wants to attach himself somehow to that? i don't know- a half baked kind of notion about him and "his family" and what might be in his head based on comments?
Nero, you are forever the optimist and I so love that about you. You make me look at things from a rosier point of view, I'm quit the sour puss these days and should not be aloud to think and make decisions alone. Just maybe I have, by being myself and bringing my family forward, shown him something to look forward to if he were to "come back". He has actually said he's considering all the loss he would face and that keeps him stable, but he is fighting the turnaround in him to be a good man. He's resisting living a good life, who says that!!!!
H spins me right round, baby right round like a record, baby Right round round round He spins me right round, baby Right round like a record, baby Right round round round. Lol!!! Dead or Alive, how ironic.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Nero, you are forever the optimist and I so love that about you. You make me look at things from a rosier point of view, I'm quit the sour puss these days and should not be aloud to think and make decisions alone. Just maybe I have, by being myself and bringing my family forward, shown him something to look forward to if he were to "come back". He has actually said he's considering all the loss he would face and that keeps him stable, but he is fighting the turnaround in him to be a good man. He's resisting living a good life, who says that!!!!
honestly- i make myself sick . i actually hate it alot of the time that i think like that. i have no idea if i'm right or "positive" or merely really serioyusly mentally ill. no drama- frankly. it could well be.
i'm SPINNING like a stinking fool here myself- i WISH I HAD A MAGIC WAND TODAY TO WAVE AND FIX EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. IT SEEMS to be the only answer to this all- how sad is that? i don't even think winning a lottry and a gazillion bucks would "fix" anything- how bad is that???
that's it= hope you're doing okay today- i guess, as usual i end up with this for you and me- if any questions or doubts in mind- don't do it (not yet)(end it for good) (totally) . know it's out there, know you can, know you might, but wait. i hate it- i hate it while i say it- i'm insecure and have no right to even be here probably - yet i am and i'm waiting and maybe i'm crazy. that's what i really worry about- my overly-romantic notions in life - will they be my total undoing?
this dbing is a hard hard thing because it actually may go with your gut- but it goes against every single thing available in life as far as societal values- moral judgement- what our parents said - what we've said (before) so on- it is just putting yourself out there in such a awful and vulnerable place- merely based on your own convictions and sometimes you don't even have faith in them.
today- i'm okay and going to go work on my own life- BUT realizing full well what a precarious and dangerous-feeling place i am in - in life- thru my own doing (as a result of his mlc)
oh well and nothing at all new there- thanks for your kind words. hoping you have a wonderful day - and do find a piece of peace - i like it- i wish i do too - just one more day dawn.
