Hoper1's story..

[~ kd ~]

He plans to start seperation even if its in the same house.. i dont want to hear from him that the EA happened only after seperation as i understand this is what he will do if i confront him post seperation.

I want to post again to stress that anything to do with you trying to get him to admit the A, could amount to nothing.

My ex had three EA's that I know of. Each one of them with fairly significant proof. My ex and I are almost two years separated and she has still not formally presented the most significant OM as anything other than a "friend", to anyone, as far as I know. Your H may not become public with the OP, even in separation.

[~ kd ~]

bah, I said almost two years separated, when in reality we are over 2.5 years separated.

[hoper]

Thanks KD,

I needed to hear that..its just that when they see you struggling and desperate to save the marriage and they yet continue to bail out of it its overwhelming..

Journaling.

H continues to behave as though he has met the love of his life and is tormented as though giving me time to accept this is the biggest sacrifice he can ever make..Painful..
Never mind that we had a great day with some family friends yesterday.. went for drinks and dinner, laughed, went down the memory lane..
In the morning its the same story.. when are we meeting the counselor to take things forward..Arrrrgh
guess he was doing a pullback.. we had a good time or rather u may have had but things are not getting postponed is the message!!!
S not well, had a job interview to day.. of course these things happen together..
it feels like he is nudging, sometimes pushing and then throwing me out of his life.. just awful ..
anyways have to take one day at a time..
Ciao my fellow busters..
keeping you all in my thoughts today

[hoper]

Journaling,

So at the counselor's he once again reiterated there is no hope, and I should move out..
I repeated I can't as I do have some hope and I don't want to unnecessarily displace S from his neighborhood and friends..
He said that it would not be possible to set up a new house financially and since i am so close to my folks i might as well ,move in with them .. He would otherwise support S and my financial needs ..
I am a SAHM so have to depend on him fully.. He is fine with it till I stabilize myself..
He finds it so difficult to understand that I may not want to move in with my folks and is looking at this as my way of harassing him and not keeping things amicable.. Ya right ,as soon As things don't go his way.. He pushes the full custody button ..
The last time he did it I was trembling like a leaf cos he said as our s is adopted he is the legal guardian on paper..post that conversation I have checked with an adoption attorney.. He said that really does not mean anything .. The court looks out for the child's best interest..
This time I was so mad I just said go ahead..
I know a non db move but couldn't help it..
Now he will ago back to tell c again to convince me.. We are going back and forth on this..
He goes,out of town to meet ow tomo.. He tells me to remove the bag from the attic as he has a back issue..
He does this with so much ease I wonder what kind of a person he has turned into..
And as for me he does not know that I know of her identity so I actually help him pack as he is going for an official trip supposedly..
I am hurting so much but will put one foot ahead of another tomo..
Take care guys

[job]

Hoper,
Before you even consider moving out, you need to speak to an attorney to see how that will play out. Generally, when someone moves out, it can be looked as "abandoning the marriage and home". My advice, if he wants you out of his life, he can very well move out himself. It just burns me up every time I read your posting. Who the h@ll is he to tell you that you can move in w/your parents? That is so selfish of him.

Now, I'm going to say something and I'm sure others will whack me one...again, who the h@ll is he to tell you to go up into the attic and get his travel bag? If he's got a back issue, maybe he shouldn't be going away and should stay right at home and take care of that old back. I bet that old back doesn't bother him when he's w/her. I wouldn't have packed his bag for him either. You are not his mother or maid...you are his wife, the wife that he's choosing to toss aside for some twinkle twat.

The advice that I'm going to give you is this...stop being his maid and/or mother. If he wants to do things, then allow him to take care of himself, i.e., his laundry, cooking, packing and unpacking and do not put that bag back in the attic...leave it where he can look at it each and every day. He needs to learn just what he's going to be dealing w/in the day-to-day life if you are gone.

This man has some real issues w/control and manipulation. Do not allow him to treat you like yesterday's trash...you are a good person and I have to say, a saint.

Please take care of yourself and your child.

[Cadet]

Yes he is repeating the script and trying to make YOU be the one at fault.

Maybe in the past you have agreed to be controlled by him.

Do not agree to move out.
Let him move out.

That is his problem that he cant support two houses.

[Mtnman]

Backing up what snodderly said, do not move out. It will establish the status quo. I told mine she could move out, because I wasn't. She did. She has no idea about legal issues, but I have that in my back pocket.

[kml]

YOu need to consult a good divorce attorney right now. Definitely do NOT move out of the house unless the attorney advises you to do so.

[Portia]

Hoper,

Here is hug, first as I am sure you could use one (((( ))))

Please listen to the advice above. There comes a time when the business side of things has to be taken care of. You need some legal advice right now. Knowledge is power.

We are here supporting you.

[hoper]

Thanks so much...

Snodderly, cadet, mtn and kml have consulted an attorney.. her advice was to stay put in the house..

My counselor i believe thought that if i am not at home 'absence making the heart fonder' (on DB lines) may have an impact on him..

I have decided not to take a chance with this as this is exactly what he wants..
he has reiterated so many times there is no hope for us it makes it difficult for me to just get up and move.

Portia..
Really was in a hole yesterday.. feel overwhelmed and pressurized by all what he does and does not do..Thanks so much, i needed that..
Journaling..
Its sickening , never thought of myself as the doormat kind though wonder if this isn't then what is??
I have been miserable the last month beating up myself for all the things i could have done to avoid this situation..
Cried my heart out , finally have come to a point where i have been able to forgive myself and have questioned what has my H done to work on the relationship.. he just chose to bail out..
It baffles me and makes me wonder what is he going through to do this to S.. and then i wander again to OW , can these people really be happy after putting a child through this..
Ow comments on every FB update of mine ???????
Well there is no reason , no logic and i think no empathy in the MLC land .. only LOVE (gag)
Have a great weekend !