Losing Hope

[Accuray]

When I said they "don't look back", I mean they don't show you any doubt. They actually DO look back, just not when you're looking

Don't worry MrTwoPointFour, you can turn it around but not until OM is gone. Until that point, all you can do is not make it worse.

[Shiss]

Accuray, Thanks for stopping in and lending a hand. I will NEVER deny that my insecurities pushed H away. I would withhold affection, sex, because I didn't want to get hurt, or I would just get "bitchy" because I was scared and didn't want to be vulnerable to him. I didn't want to be vulnerable because doing so makes your heart open more, and I didn't want to get hurt. Counseling has done a lot, and I KNOW that I am deserving of love and able to RECEIVE love. We all gotta take chances. Maybe I figured this out too late for my H, but we're not divorced yet

He wants a loving, and supportive wife. That's IT! I was unable to hold up my end of the bargain. He is a good man, good husband, and provider. I NEVER gave him any credit.

Accuray, we don't talk/text/email as of the past week unless he shows up at my house unannounced for something out of the garage, or whatever. The first two weeks I begged, pleaded and texted him with pleasantries, and he ignored all of them or said he was sorry but didn't know what to say. Should I continue no contact unless he initiates? I think so, so does everyone else, what do you think?

[Shiss]

And yes, we did marry young, I was just over 20 and he was 19. He left for basic training, after 6 weeks he missed me, I drove down, rented a cabin all by myself in Mississippi, we married by a justice of the peace and then we started our journey. I'm certainly not done with this M, or H, he is worth it and god d*am it so am I! I'm not quitting until the papers are signed or one of us is dead. Am I too feisty for this board??

[Accuray]

You can't be too feisty for this board, and its great how you own your role in things. I was asking because relationships reach equilibrium for a reason. There are forces between you that push you to where you land. Were there things about him that triggered your insecurity? Why did you feel on guard with him?

WRT contact I will say this -- he needs to know where you stand. If you rarely talk to someone the few words you speak take on increased importance. I believe the last thing you told him was that you were moving on and you've both been following that path since.

The next time you see him in person I would probably say something along the lines that you were confused when you said that and nothing is decided. Tell him that you realize a future relationship between the two of you would need to be different from your prior relationship and then end the conversation, leave it at that and give him space.

You may want to check out the book about "controlled separation". In that scenario you would agree between the two of you some rules about whether or not you will date, how you will handle money, etc etc. Having a framework with some rules reduces anxiety for both people and can give you relaxing space versus filled with angst. Check it out, no one likes uncertainty so establishing a temporary agreement can give you the break you need without pushing him farther away.

[Shiss]

Accuray, H came over saw roses a male coworker sent me and he is PISSED. Said pursue this because I'm done and left! I told him I am not dating and I wanted the M to work. Did I screw up!!???

[reb9597]

why are you getting roses from a male coworker? and how did your H know who it was from unless you either told him or had an obvious card attached? I've heard the jealousy route can be effective, but I think it's a dangerous game to play and can cause permanent damage. It's good that you're learning your role in the marriage but have you read Codependent No More? It sounds like you are letting yourself be controlled by your reactions. Your H hurts your feelings or withdraws affection or doesn't call you or LEAVES. You react by telling H you're done when it's not really in your heart, by playing control games with your dogs and perhaps giving the wrong impression to male coworkers? Be careful!

[Shiss]

I was honest with H when he asked about them.

[Shiss]

Is this thread closed??

[Shiss]

By the way he sent them to me to make me feel better, I told my husband that I was not dating, seeing anyone that I was still his wife. Why does he care when he leaves and a week later wants a D. He is trying to make me feel guilty? I cannot wrap my head around this behavior.

[Tryin2figuritout]

Shiss - Don't try to wrap your mind around his behaviour because it does YOU no good. He's probably scared and confused as much or more than you. Don't think that just because he's making these decisions that he really knows what he wants....he probably doesn't, but if you focus on yourself and make changes you think you need for YOU and not the relationship that will help. If he sees these as positive and attractive, he might turn around, but if he doesn't YOU are in a better place.

One day at a time..... One of the things that has helped me is to learn that your feelings are your feelings, but it is how you react to them that makes all the difference. I was in your shoes not being able to comprehend any of this and I kept trying to make sense....but I changed my perspective because I realized I had lost my wife the way we were and being sad/angry/lifeless because of my sitch would do me no good and DEFINITELY no good for any chance at reconciliation. Once I let that go, things have been better.

Please note that I saw tons of people write about this, but it took some time for me to accept it and use it. Again, one day at a time.....