So I am new here. lots of good advice being given and that is why I joined. i need some help and am willing to pay it forward and participate as well.
Quick rundown
Wife and I have been together for 10 yrs. We found eachother in a very odd way, would have never thought. We were both previously married, had problems with those marriages (hers was an abusive young alcoholic, mine ended up in a mental hospital and diagnosed with bui polar and many other conditions). We both had 1 child from these marriages, so when we got together we had and instant 2 kid family .
Her ex husband was cheating on her with my ex wife. Neither one of us knew that before . We knew they were cheating but not with who. anyway, a mutual friend told me I had to call her for info, I refused cause I didnt want to drudge through all of that. Anyway, she ended up calling me, we spoke many times on the phone for a couple of months, One day she asked if she could meet me, I agreed and we havent been apart since....Weird huh.
Obviously this brings many challenges to the relationship. The quick and dirty of the next 9 yrs to date was we had two more children for a total of 4, both went through the divorces, i ended up adopting her son. I have 50% customdy of my first daughter and my wife has been a great mother to her. We were dead broke because of the divorces, I lost everything on a 4 year battle over daughter.She stayed at home because it didnt pencil out financially and I wanted the mother of my kids to be home with them. I left my fathers successful business that I had planned on taking over since I was a little kid, tried something different, it didnt work out (kinda a bad experience there but...) then found a great career that has treated us very well over the last 5 yrs.
With all of that being young, stressed, parents of a larger family, ex wife to deal with (unpleasant) we obviously missed alot of relashionship things over the years. This leads me to tell you where i messed up.
Wife and i have had a rocky sex life for the last year. Lots of rejection from her, lots of attempts to figure out what is up from me. She doesant communicate very well and I dont pick up on the subtle thngs very well either. Because of this I was mad at her, sometimes when we fought, i would threaten to leave or brring up divorce because i couldnt see any hope of anything changing. it seemed to me that my options were deal with it or leave.
Well I got a text for a woman that I knew on a proffessional level. she wanted a job reference and I said ok. i didnt tell my wife because she has a history of being EXTREMELY jealouse of women. And i get that given her previous marriage and upbringing. I thought nothing of it and chacked back with the other woman 2 weeks later to see if she got the job, she said she did, she thanked me and then...asked when she would see me again. i saw her on a rare basis on a proffessional level. In a business, never ouside of that. I have ZERO feelings towards this woman. She is nice to talk to but that is it.
My response is what got me in trouble. I responded Dinner? She replied yeah let me know when you come into town, I dint respond and she didnt text me back either. That was the end of that conversation. I didnt erase the text. My wife found it and came unglued... I dont blame her on one hand but on another I didnt have bad intentions. This woman is taken I am taken, i am not a cheater. But she blew her lid. My bad for sure.
So she throws me out. i leave for a week, stayed at my parents, left her alone. On the advice from my dad, he said go home, its your house too, you need to see your kids, hopefully she will talk this out and you to can get on the right track. so i did. She was cold of course, She calls what I did cheating. Although i disagree, i can see it from her point of view. I have admitted to her that what I did was wrong and I respect her perspective, she says she is not sure what she wants (together or divorce) but I see too many signs of commitment. We have done quite a few things over the last 3 weeks together and had a great time, i didnt fall into some old traps of not really paying attention to her and being reactive when she is mad and yelling. i feel like I am on the right path but........
She still wont put her wedding ring back on, she wont let me sleep in bed with her. Of course she does not kiss me, but she hugs me back. She seems to have a little wild streak going on, going to the bars with her twin sister (who isnt happily married) Its driving me crazy!!! I have asked on occassion when can we get the healing started, she says she doesnt know......... I feel like a yo yo. personally, i think she is making sure I am punished. And i can live with that to an extent, but not forever, and not for a really long time (whatever that is). Any ideas on what a reasonable time line is?
Besides this situation, we have alot of work to do on our marriage. i wouldnt call it basket case or anything but troubled for sure. Personally i think this happend to draw our focus back onto our relationship but I guess that is neither here nor there. And kinda funny how our kids are at a good age to not have to be with them all the time, financially we can do things so in my mind, ths is a natural turn for us.
Im ordering the book but if anyone has any suggestions or questions, fire.... I need all the help i can get and am open to many thoughts/ideas. Thanks for taking the time to read. Sorry for the bad spelling capitals...Im trying to pound this out at work when I have a few min....Driving me crazy.
