Shiss, keep posting. Responses are sometimes slow but I have found that the comments are usually very insightful.... And the posting is therapeutic (at least it is for me).
Some days having this forum is all that has kept me from exploding - which I recognize wouldn't result in helping me (or the M) to a better place.
In terms of the finance angle it's a sensitive topic and my sitch is reversed...... my WAW covertly established her own checking account for her paycheck and potential inheritance yet continues to use our joint accounts for almost everything (except her cell phone) which is frustrating to me......
When she finally shared w/me that she had done this (and continues to do this) it was hurtful that she hadn't shared. I wouldn't have cared about the separate account if it helped her in some way, but I was not appreciative of "how" she chose to go about it.
I know roles are reversed so sharing to help in maybe understanding how it may feel on the other side if/when you choose to share.....
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
On money, if you have joint checking, you have a right to ask him about the money, but it can lead to dangerous answers or reaction from him that you need to be prepared for. If joint though, you should have equal rights to the money so don't let him just burn it!!!
I did read "Hope for the Separated". *
ILYB really opened my eyes to how the lack of nurturing let's it all spoil. Learning to Love Yourself Again is just a fantastic read on self-esteem. I had already "flipped the switch" to focusing on myself and my kids when the book came in and it just pushed me into hyperdrive on doing things for me first. Even though we're meeting with the attorney for the divorce tomorrow for the first time, my wife has been surprised by my attitude and strength that I have. As Michelle says, consistency in the little things make the most improvement over the long haul..... Most importantly, do it for YOU first!!!!!
Last edited by dbmod; 04/13/1309:10 PM. Reason: Reference not recommended nor allowed.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
Thanks Semper. All I'm doing right now is mind reading and driving myself crazy coming up with scenarios why all the ATM withdrawals. Are they for wining & dining OW? Lawyer? New Place? No idea, I need to re-focus and not worry myself with that. Just checked the mail, nothing from a lawyer yet and nothing on my counter from him as of yet, but the day is still kind of young! Hopefully I'm out of the woods for another day
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
I'm printing out online banking history each day, especially each individual ATM withdrawal for my records, if I close them, he will be PISSED. That's the last thing I want. Any other thoughts?
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
Shiss, from (painful) personal experience I understand why the mindset of day to day wondering about what is going to show up on the counter, in the mail etc.........
I can tell you that it got a little bit better for me when I could move from that point to a place where my focus was on what can I do to prepare myself to deal with it if/when it were to happen. not an easy place to get you, but day by day it begins to feel different. Not always perfect though - if you are following my thread you can see that today I found it tough to even follow my own advice........
I guess in reality my comments above are just a slightly different way of saying focus on what you are most able to control(you and your actions) and have faith in yourself and God that you will be guided on how to deal with the rest.....
Sorry that you find yourself here but it is the best place to be in these trying situations....... Keep posting and stay strong.
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Shiss can you give us some more backstory here? If you're 29 now and have been married for 9 years, you got married very young. That in itself can make things difficult. When you say:
Originally Posted By: Shiss
I've always been insecure/fearful of rejection and never being good enough, so it comes out in anger, pushing H away.
What does that mean? What did your marriage look like from your H's perspective?
If you can fill in more back story that would be great. Often if you can transcribe conversations it really helps people give you better advice, as they may see something in the conversation you missed.
My best advice to you right now would just be to slow down. You told H you were done being in limbo and were going to move on. That undoubtedly made him panic, which lead to him consulting a lawyer. Then you panicked and consulted your own lawyer. You lit that fuse by telling H you were done. Slow it down -- no declarations. Don't telegraph your intentions, just let it ride.
This is often SUPER difficult, so the best thing you can do is put a date on your calendar two weeks from now and just tell yourself you're not going to do ANYTHING to shift the playing field until then. Just sit on your hands. If you make it two weeks, reassess. Either it will be time to make a new plan, or you can decide to hang out for another two weeks.
You asked about OW. This doesn't feel like an OW situation to me. Typically in an OW situation, the WAH is gone and doesn't look back, and will be nothing but mean to you. They will feel terrible about what they're doing, so they'll make it all your fault to justify their actions and feel better about themselves. Your H is telling you directly that he's conflicted and hurting. I truly believe he would like to reconcile but is afraid of going back to a bad place after it took him so much fortitude to decide to leave.
What does he want? Can you share with us what he wants from you?
You should read "The Five Love Languages" for sure. However, DO NOT discuss it with him immediately after reading it. It will give you epiphanies and make you think that you can now make everything better. Once again, use the two week rule before saying anything about it to H. Just sit on it.
Patience is your friend, take it SLOWWWWWW, he's not gone yet, he's not going anywhere unless you push him.
More backstory please!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
This is the best place to be if you are in this situation, totally agree with that. The days are so mixed. Yesterday was good, today is horrible, what the heck will tomorrow bring? I know it's all about ME to decide my day, but honestly some days just bring more anxiety and panic feelings than others. I'm coming over to your thread now!
Me 29 H 28 M 9 T 11 No kids 2 dogs H moved in with parents 3/21/13 H wants a D 4/2/13 D Filed 4/5/13 Served 4/17/13
Typically in an OW situation, the WAH is gone and doesn't look back, and will be nothing but mean to you. They will feel terrible about what they're doing, so they'll make it all your fault to justify their actions and feel better about themselves.
Ouch, that hurt because that's what I am seeing a lot of right now!
Me: 38 W: 35 M: 9Yrs T: 15Yrs S8 D5 BD: Feb 13 Still Living Together
I feel like I'm in thick forest, I'm slowly drawing a map of the way out, but not sure yet which side of the forest I will emerge.
