Losing Hope

[Accuray]

Shiss can you give us some more backstory here? If you're 29 now and have been married for 9 years, you got married very young. That in itself can make things difficult. When you say:

I've always been insecure/fearful of rejection and never being good enough, so it comes out in anger, pushing H away.

What does that mean? What did your marriage look like from your H's perspective?

If you can fill in more back story that would be great. Often if you can transcribe conversations it really helps people give you better advice, as they may see something in the conversation you missed.

My best advice to you right now would just be to slow down. You told H you were done being in limbo and were going to move on. That undoubtedly made him panic, which lead to him consulting a lawyer. Then you panicked and consulted your own lawyer. You lit that fuse by telling H you were done. Slow it down -- no declarations. Don't telegraph your intentions, just let it ride.

This is often SUPER difficult, so the best thing you can do is put a date on your calendar two weeks from now and just tell yourself you're not going to do ANYTHING to shift the playing field until then. Just sit on your hands. If you make it two weeks, reassess. Either it will be time to make a new plan, or you can decide to hang out for another two weeks.

You asked about OW. This doesn't feel like an OW situation to me. Typically in an OW situation, the WAH is gone and doesn't look back, and will be nothing but mean to you. They will feel terrible about what they're doing, so they'll make it all your fault to justify their actions and feel better about themselves. Your H is telling you directly that he's conflicted and hurting. I truly believe he would like to reconcile but is afraid of going back to a bad place after it took him so much fortitude to decide to leave.

What does he want? Can you share with us what he wants from you?

You should read "The Five Love Languages" for sure. However, DO NOT discuss it with him immediately after reading it. It will give you epiphanies and make you think that you can now make everything better. Once again, use the two week rule before saying anything about it to H. Just sit on it.

Patience is your friend, take it SLOWWWWWW, he's not gone yet, he's not going anywhere unless you push him.

More backstory please!