Irreplaceable

[Takevowsserious]

Hi all!

Hoper- I really have no idea if my H realizes that I know who she is. When I confronted him in January, I said I knew there was someone else, but never said who. Now that you mention it, he never asked me who I thought it was. He knows I think he and my ex-friend have an inappropriate R, that I think she was a sh!tty friend to me, but I don't think he realizes I know they are having an A. He truly does not see the obvious, does not see what is right before his eyes.

I hope you are doing well. Keep taking it day by day

UW - thank you for your description of depression. It helps me to have compassion for my H, even though he is hurting me so.

I guess my question is, how do they ever get out of the tar pit of depression? That is something I worry about, worry about him being a tortured soul forever. And I certainly don't want that for him.

I have absolute faith that OW is continually showing her true self, that she can't keep up her charade of a good or nice person long-term. It has probably been difficult for her to make it this far.

Something else that I haven't mentioned is that her H had surgery for cancer around the time I got the bomb. She never told me he had cancer, then tried to act like I was a bad friend. So... Her H gets cancer, and she sleeps with a married co-worker who is also the H of a friend. My H has severe health problems for a decade of our life together, I am the one who has always been there for him and been supportive, yet he thinks she is so great.

I just don't get it.

Something else I wanted to say, not sure if I have said this before...

I'm pretty sure H does some spying on me through the cell phone account.

He asks me strange questions about who I talk to and text. He thinks he is so inconspicuous - NOT!!!

Guess it's all part of the controlling behaviors they show. The way I see it, I have nothing to hide, so he can go ahead and snoop.

Had a great dinner out last night, really enjoyed being with my good friend.

[uRworthy]

T, Some hit bottom, seek help, look inward and do the work,and unfortunately, some never get out of the tar pit.

Sweetie, you keep trying to understand something that is foreign to those of us not in a MLC. It's like trying to nail jello to the freakin wall - aint gonna happen. The ow sounds like she is in one, too. That is a recipe for double crazy.

And him checking up on you? Yep. He still wants to make sure you are where he left you. He doesnt know all the internal stuff you've been working on. Suckkks for him. Oops, did I say that out loud? LOL! My bad.

[wishing, hoping]

I have always loved this song. It flashes me back to around 1991, senior year in high school. I was rocking big hair and acid washed jeans woo hoo!!!

"Linger"

OMG I like totally love this song! I had THE big hair and acid washed pegged jeans with rips and tears in all the right places!! LOL! Oh those were the days. Miss them.

I know what you're saying, TVS. Sometimes feels like such a lie, doesn't it?

Enjoy your dinner!
WH

[GALbaby]

YAY ..I was a big hair, acid washed jeans AND padded shoulders girl too. Seems our problems were so simple then too, although we didn't realise it at the time.

Loved what URW said, absolutely spot on. Think your H is just a cake eater and is making sure you're gonna be still waiting for him with the pipe and slippers when he finishes messing around with his plaything. Gotta give it to you girl, you are one courageous lady. I find that when I'm stumbling over a problem, I stop and think "what would TVS do in this situation?"....always act with dignity...I know that for sure.

[Takevowsserious]

Ladies, here is what I always say when I see some questionable fashion choices in old pictures... " It was in style at the time".

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!!!

Gal I had to laugh when you posted "What would TVS do in this situation?" because I was thinking - give him the finger from another room? I guess there can be some dignity in that lol!

Feeling a bit down tonight (he leaves for his trip tomorrow, comes back Sunday). It doesn't bother me that he's not home- it bothers me that he's with her.

Who knows what his plans really are. I believe my H is a master at half truths. He may very well be going fishing - for part of the time. Maybe he convinces himself he's not really lying that way.

Went to yoga tonight, and it felt great to sweat and stretch. I was all smiles tonight here, and did not ask one stinking question about his trip.

Snodderly is right (of course, for you newbies here!) when she says that the less you ask them, the more they will tell you. He kept throwing out little details here and there about his trip. I just pleasantly listened. To be honest, I think it perturbs him a bit that I don't ask him questions. He can't figure it out.

UW, I know I try to make sense of things and I shouldn't. It is just so damn frustrating sometimes.

And even if it not true, it FEELS as though my ex-friend took something that was once very special to me - my H and my R with him - and took it away from me.

I could go on and on about her lifetime of messed up baggage that makes her a grade A candidate for MLC. So yes, it really is double crazy when it comes to the two of them.

I think why I really have a bug up my butt tonight is that the thought of them going away very much hurts me. I would always ask my H for us to go and do things as a couple, but he never seemed very interested. He seems plenty interested with her though.

I'll get myself out of my funk, just gonna plow through everything to get to the other side.

And the checking up on me? It's been going on quite awhile. Mr. Obvious isn't as slick as he thinks he is!

I think it bothers him when I talk to our mutual (well she used to be, she's not too happy with him now) friend. It seems like after I talk to her, he will bring up in conversation, "Have you talked to so and so lately?" So sly!

Just because I'm not out having an affair, it doesn't mean I'm right where he left me. Far from it. That does svck for him.

Even though I do hope he wakes up one day, I also feel sorry for him when he does. I can only imagine it would be like running into a brick wall. Ouch.

Better keep that crash helmet ready

[uRworthy]

I know it hurts, T. I do. I wish there was something I can say to help.

My xh went away with her on our 25th wedding anniversary. I think they even planned it that way. I didnt think I'd make it through that trip. Felt my heart break.

And then, I did.

Each day, slowly, I grew stronger. It still hurt, but, not the searing pain that it did in the beginning.

And I knew that what they had, had nothing to do with me. She was a mess and so was he. It was a relationship based on lies and insecurities and crisis and self loathing. It had nothing to do with love and committment.

I began to really believe that I loved him enough to let him go. That was my gift to him. And I knew that no matter what, I would be ok.

My xh has faced some of what he's done. Just a small portion of it, really. I know that if he ever realizes the depth of it, it would bring him to his knees.

T, she is nothing. I know you know that. These are two people who are broken trying to find a way out of the tar pit.

They just dont know that they are just pulling each other further down into it.

And you know, sometimes you gotta get to the bottom of it before you can begin your climb up out of it.

T, try to do something special for yourself this weekend. And try not to imagine what he may or may not be doing.

I found out many times when I let my mind wander like that, I was very wrong.

And yea, they think they are so slick, um, not even close.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, my friend.

[TSquared2]

Hang in there TVS...maybe this will be the time when one pushes the other over the edge, or H's guilt finally moves forefront...

I know everyday when I go to work I will eventually find myself wondering if W is with PA, or online or whatever...got to put it out of your mind and focus on what is in front of you, we can't control them. It really sVckks, but we know we are the gold and the OP is fool's gold.

And when it does hit H, what he has done, it won't be pretty, I am so glad I am not in my W's place.

You are doing great!!

T^2

[reachingHigher]

Hi Tvs,

I'm so sorry for the hurt you feel. I too, like urw, wish there was something I could do or say to help. But I can't

And even if it not true, it FEELS as though my ex-friend took something that was once very special to me - my H and my R with him - and took it away from me........I think why I really have a bug up my butt tonight is that the thought of them going away very much hurts me. I would always ask my H for us to go and do things as a couple, but he never seemed very interested. He seems plenty interested with her though.

Yeah, that would hurt plenty. I didn't have to face that so I can't imagine the pain and betrayal you feel. I'm so sorry.

H WAS interested in you at one time. He was interested in being the happy, handsome, well-dressed jock who caught the beautiful bride! And he wanted those precious boys so much.

But he is clouded with depression and can't think straight. OW is a drug, much like alcohol was the drug for my H -- so they can put off working on their issues.

In December and January when I felt so desperate I called a mutual guy family friend (didn't wanna tread on a treasured R in the family, but I felt I HAD to have some help); somehow this was reassuring to hear this person, this man, who knew us both so well, tell me I was the prize and how H was in such a fog.

Do you have anyone like that? Someone who knows how you've been treated and can buoy you up in this difficult time?

This man said, "rH, even if you had to wait three years for H to come out of the fog, wouldn't it be worth it? When he wakes up, you'll be there...". I thought, THREE YEARS!! That's SO long! But just hearing someone encourage me was worth so much.

Tvs, I can't tell you enough how I admire your courage. He's leaving TODAY? That's so long! How can her family do without her too? Her poor H also.

Well...post as much as needed this long weekend. I'm so glad you have the yoga outlet! Do you have plans for you and the boys?

Hugs and tears,
rH

[GALbaby]

Oh dear sweet TVS. Will be thinking about you all weekend. And giving the finger across the ocean to your H and OW. Urrrgh !

[Takevowsserious]

Thank you everyone for your well wishes and encouragement. It really helps when I'm feeling down.

I wanted to share a few interesting things that happened...

First off, H comes up to bed at 4:00 this morning. That isn't too unusual, except he turns on the lamp beside the bed and asks me, "Do you mind if I climb into bed with you?" I said, "No, I don't care." And went back to sleep.

This morning, I got myself and the boys ready, then loaded up to take them to the sitter before work. I gently tried saying goodbye to H, but he was sound asleep, and I didn't want to wake him.

Now in the past, I would always write him a nice note goodbye. I decided not to this year. Felt like it was pursuit, plus I didn't want him to feel pressured to write back. In the past he would always write me a nice note too. Last year, I came home from work to find this on a post - it note: "Have a good weekend. H"

So this year, I did things differently. I didn't leave him a note. When I picked up the boys after work, I took them to a party supply store to pick out decorations for their upcoming birthday parties. Then, we went out to eat. I wasn't expecting anything from H.

Instead, I come home to find this note on the kitchen counter:

TVS, S4 and S2,

Sorry I missed saying goodbye to everyone this morning. I took sleeping pill last night and was out this morning.

I hope everyone has a good few days while I am gone. I hope everyone stays healthy and your parents get off to visit your sister okay. (They are flying out to see her Saturday). I will call and/or text to check in on everyone and see how you are doing.

Thanks again for letting me get away for trout season. Give the boys hugs and kisses for me. I will see you Sunday.

Love,
H

I am totally shocked.

Then, he texts me to tell me he made it there okay. He asked how the boys were doing.

Not sure what to think.

Thoughts anyone?