Text I sent to W in regards to our convo: I understand your stress. I want you to be able to sleep well. Whatever choice you make I support. Let's break this cycle of confusing action and intention. Just know that you are welcome in my home always. I am happy to see you and give more time for you to be with ***** (S).
I realize this is already said and done, but in the future you want to avoid certain verbiage that sets you up to be the perpetual "backup plan". The WAS often has an escape plan, but they want to keep the LBS on the hook "just in case". The LBS can react in one of two ways- appeasement or setting boundaries. Appeasement gives the WAS zero incentive to change anything, they can keep up the affair, or their plans to leave, etc. while having full confidence that good old faithful LBS will sit there like a puppy dog waiting for their master to come home. OR, the LBS can set up some boundaries. This sends a clear message to the WAS that the LBS will NOT be a slave to their whims and may NOT be the reliable fallback plan the WAS thinks. This throws the WAS off their game, makes them wonder if they might lose the LBS, makes them realize they can't drag limbo out forever with the LBS. So, here is what I would have said:
"I understand your stress and I am supportive of you spending more time with S. If you would like to stay in my home to see S more then I'm willing to consider that. We can discuss this more next time we see each other."
Then when you talk about it, tell her you have concerns about it, that short term you're OK with it but long term you're not sure. Leave some doubt there.
DO NOT always make yourself and your home available to her. You are detaching, GAL'ing, becoming strong and independent. That's what you want to project to her. Be a little mysterious, make her wonder what you're up to, what you're thinking.
