So H texted for me to bring the kids major league baseball outfits. I texted back that they will be so excited to see the game. Of course, pang in my heart...right? So here is the text exchange:
H: I know you have set boundaries, of which I respect but I know how much it hurts me to not go to the zoo & stuff. I have 4 tickets sat.
Me: I appreciate the invite. It's just too hard for me to be around you. I want to eventually be able to do family stuff. Let me just think about it, but probably not.
As I hit send this comes through
H:scratch that it's a bad idea
H:I'm sorry I just am lost. Don't know what to do
H: If you've given up I have numbers for free or cheap divorce. One is catholic so you can probably get that legit thru them.
M:I'm not ready to D, yet. I'm letting you go and trying to process my hurt & anger. I don't think we need to rush to do anything, especially when we are both so full of emotion. If you feel different, I'm open to whatever. I just think time won't do anything but help.
H: Good H: They have counselling
Me: For you, me, kids?
H:just sent u email. This past week had me worried and looking. I still don't know.
M: Look, I won't just spring a D on you. I want to choose a mediator together & D as civily as possible. Which is why I don't see a need to rush. I'm hurt. I'm angry. All I know is we aren't together but where still acting like we were. So, now we aren't. I'm processing that.
H:Not trying to imply any fault. Now I'm sorry I ever explain how I feel.
H: Have a good day.
Me: I wasn't mad.
H: I hate text.
AND...then I called him. Bad idea. I won't do the exact blow by blow...but man!! I was calm. I reiterated the above. He said that he felt I was done. I said that I'm the closest to that, but right now I just need to detach. Taking it step by step. Then there was just a bunch of "sorry I'm just such a mess" and not in a very sorry tone. How getting my email was so hurtful that I'll never trust him and think he is running around sleeping with all these people. Then he launched into how he may never trust me since I looked through his stuff. I was silent. Is he really trying to turn this on me?! Yes. Yes he is. Barf. There were things about him not having any support. How he gets my resentments...but I think that is when he threw in how hurtful my email was. His phone started cutting out, which was good because I started to feel a bit bad...eye roll...I know. So I said I need to go.
I'm sitting here at work...stunned. CLearly not working But, I realized that I still want this man to GET IT. Like, hello?! Look what you are doing. He says it flippantly, "I get it, I'm the dbag!" Um, no. You don't . And, you never will. And that needs to be ok with me. I need to accept that. He is a wild animal in a corner. He is clawing for any way out. He old manipulations aren't working. Why aren't they working on her? And I am still looking for a rational response. A sincere "I'm sorry. I have really screwed up." Not the I get it, BUT! As long as I show a smidgen of weakness, he will try to exploit that. He wants me to feel sorry for him. I've spent months doing that. I'm going to feel sorry for the pregnant wife who trusted someone and was c r a p e d on, and their 3 children that have to deal with the explosion. And I'm the first hand outstretched to help them stand up, move on and kick some butt!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
But, I realized that I still want this man to GET IT. Like, hello?! Look what you are doing. He says it flippantly, "I get it, I'm the dbag!" Um, no. You don't . And, you never will. And that needs to be ok with me. I need to accept that. He is a wild animal in a corner. He is clawing for any way out. He old manipulations aren't working. Why aren't they working on her? And I am still looking for a rational response. A sincere "I'm sorry. I have really screwed up." Not the I get it, BUT! As long as I show a smidgen of weakness, he will try to exploit that. He wants me to feel sorry for him. I've spent months doing that. I'm going to feel sorry for the pregnant wife who trusted someone and was c r a p e d on, and their 3 children that have to deal with the explosion. And I'm the first hand outstretched to help them stand up, move on and kick some butt!
