Time, Space and Proof

[moth76]

W called while typing up my post so it was cut short.

We had some friction because she said she was staying with me but spent he whole night out then was upset with me for moving forward with my day. My failure was in not contacting her with my plans for our S. I was just hurt and didn't reach out to her about it. This is a major, actually The major issue in our communication. We had a talk when she arrived and I apologized and did as I read on another thread which was to lead with hurt. Both hers and mine. We had an open conversation about us hurting each other with our actions even though our intention was different.

I told her she is welcome in my home but not with the same hurtful pattern. I want us both to have healing. We both apologized and then I left. Going to text her later to ask what she feels and wants as far as staying with me with a certain agreement or if she would prefer to stay somewhere else. I am ok with either choice, just so we don't continue a damaging cycle.

[moth76]

Text I sent to W in regards to our convo:
I understand your stress. I want you to be able to sleep well. Whatever choice you make I support. Let's break this cycle of confusing action and intention. Just know that you are welcome in my home always. I am happy to see you and give more time for you to be with ***** (S).
She thanked me for understanding and that evening gave me the choice of having her stay over or not. I was asleep already when the text arrived but it seems like a good baby step for me being able to empathize with her hurt that I caused. I feel like we are getting down to the root of the issue. I feel good about the progress, really trying to listen and understand her needs and where my failure to connect with her has been.

[Positivespin]

Reading your thread is giving me flashbacks.......Why is she going out so much?

Take it from me - DO NOT SNOOP! Do not go thru computer history, texts etc. You will want to- REFRAIN

Focus on you and your son. Focusing on you and your son will help moderate the up and down ride with your wife.

Keep journaling- I cant believe how therapeutic it has been for me. I am now averaging 2.5 pages a night and, thankfully, forgot alot of what I wrote earlier on.

This is still early on for both of us- I may have an advantage as I know the holy mess I need to face/confront. I PRAY you dont have a surprise ahead of you.

Your original goals are key- keep up the great work! Your son will need you more then ever

[moth76]

Thanks positive. Unfortunately early on I snooped. It lead to suspicion of an A. I have been keeping a journal for months now. A while ago she read it and read about my suspicion and confessed to an EA. At that point she said it wasn't PA but she ha physical feelings for him because of the emotional. Basically my goal has been to keep letting go and not fight the A. When it came up she was extremely defensive and justifying it because she knows it goes against her own morals. All I feel that can be done is keep being the best man/father/husband I can be. Focusing on my communication and working on my R with S . I have some good therapy coming up and my life is finally beginning to be on track.

[Positivespin]

My wife kept denying and denying- then she came home late one night , ran upstairs and put on pajama bottoms and a turtle neck-

I was eerily relaxed and she was "happy" that she was caught and didnt have to keep hiding it.

When you say its better when she is not home -at this phase- I 100% could not agree more. My D and I are a awesome team and at this point my W just gets in the way and makes things awkward.

Whats tough is when my 3YO D tries to get her m+D together. You have that with your son?

[moth76]

The main thing with my S5 that is difficult right now is that even though he knows we have "two" homes. He will still ask when mom is coming home. The awkwardness with my W is slowly melting... the more I accept and let go to focus on my issues the more she opens up to me.... millimeter by millimeter. Funny how that advice is given all over the forums, and it has taken me several months to really put it into practice.
As far as the A, not something I can worry about right now. When/if we reconcile we will cross that bridge.

[AnotherStander]

Text I sent to W in regards to our convo:
I understand your stress. I want you to be able to sleep well. Whatever choice you make I support. Let's break this cycle of confusing action and intention. Just know that you are welcome in my home always. I am happy to see you and give more time for you to be with ***** (S).

I realize this is already said and done, but in the future you want to avoid certain verbiage that sets you up to be the perpetual "backup plan". The WAS often has an escape plan, but they want to keep the LBS on the hook "just in case". The LBS can react in one of two ways- appeasement or setting boundaries. Appeasement gives the WAS zero incentive to change anything, they can keep up the affair, or their plans to leave, etc. while having full confidence that good old faithful LBS will sit there like a puppy dog waiting for their master to come home. OR, the LBS can set up some boundaries. This sends a clear message to the WAS that the LBS will NOT be a slave to their whims and may NOT be the reliable fallback plan the WAS thinks. This throws the WAS off their game, makes them wonder if they might lose the LBS, makes them realize they can't drag limbo out forever with the LBS. So, here is what I would have said:

"I understand your stress and I am supportive of you spending more time with S. If you would like to stay in my home to see S more then I'm willing to consider that. We can discuss this more next time we see each other."

Then when you talk about it, tell her you have concerns about it, that short term you're OK with it but long term you're not sure. Leave some doubt there.

DO NOT always make yourself and your home available to her. You are detaching, GAL'ing, becoming strong and independent. That's what you want to project to her. Be a little mysterious, make her wonder what you're up to, what you're thinking.

[moth76]

That is sound advice. Thank you AS. I posted my text for exactly that reason. I am continually trying to be brutally honest with myself right now. Especially in my communication with W, since that is where our R derailed from. I took some time to put the text together but still felt like it wasn't conveying exactly what I wanted. I need and appreciate the advice toward a better use of my words to assist in my ongoing detachment.

Also feeling very much that I haven't showed her my independence and definitely feel as if I am being a backup plan for her. So I really am going to focus more on that. Would love more advice on setting boundaries with that goal in mind without comih off as vindictive or cold.

[moth76]

Dropped my son off at W's home for the first time today. I had some trepidation about it, and was worried that my emotions about leaving my son might get the the better of me. Through this whole process the last four months my son has been with me almost exclusively, except part days etc. where W would have him at our home. But his care had become primarily mine as she had left to avoid me.

With a lot of baby steps though I have been feeling a great deal more clarity and strength to keep it together, especially for my son. A very curious thing happened though when I dropped him off. We were both happy/smiling and w was in tears. S asked for a family hug before I left and W was very emotional.

Not trying to read into anything as most of it is guilt I am sure. I just feel good about doing it in a positive and composed way. Showing that I am together and sure of myself in all this. I have a long road of self-improvement ahead of me, but I know that it is the right action to fix myself.

[moth76]

On a different note, I was hoping to get some advice about creating a separation contract with W. In PA as far as I understand it there is no "legal separation". But you can create a contract spelling out custody/financials etc. I in no way want to ignite anger toward W filing for D. But I am concerned about her spending etc. Money is tight for us. But especially since BD she has been spending a lot. Just want some advice as far as protecting myself without inciting anything. I am concerned about my financial state if she chooses to leave me and creates more of a financial mess along the way.