Recently Separated and Need Help

[separated313]

I would like to reconcile with my H. He truly is my best friend and I miss him so much. I don't feel like the house has as much laughter and fun since he's left. We're surviving, but I'd like more life to come back to our home. My emotions are definitely on a roller coaster. But I feel like I need to really move on in order to even consider a reconciliation. Does that make sense?

[azguy]

Yes, that makes sense. In fact your description sounds like you have a good grasp of the DB approach. Get out there and GAL.

It's almost a given that your emotions will be all over the place right now. If you can detach from them (I always think of taking a step outside myself as I get upset or down, and just taking note: "Here comes the anxiety again" or something similar) that will help you better be able to see the best way forward.

The reason I asked was this statement (this is going to sound preachy):
"My H wouldn't even look at me. Didn't say a word. I walked in there looking really good (if I do say so myself) and he looked pretty rough. I couldn't help but smile to myself."

I don't know the context for this, so I may be misinterpreting, but this wasn't a contest. I hope you come through this with confidence in yourself; it's important for your well being. This does not need to come at the expense of your H being down. Without guessing what he is thinking (a typical trap in this situation) you can wish him well as a starting point for healing the wounds.

[separated313]

I didn't want it to come off like a contest(I don't think). I was thinking more along the lines of I felt like I was falling apart, but at least I looked like I had it together. I've been trying to exercise at work during my lunch breaks. I've dropped 2 dress sizes in 3 weeks. I know, I know. Not necessarily the healthiest way to lose.

I'm trying to GAL. However, I'm not sure if that is the best idea. I've always had my own things going on, my H was the one that stayed home with the kids. I'm wondering if this won't be counterproductive to working towards bringing him home. Any thoughts?

[azguy]

You could be right that focusing TOO much on GAL may be counterproductive, especially, if in past conflicts this has been your way of dealing with it (finding something else to occupy you). I think it will take some more description of what has gone wrong for people here to offer more specific advice. However, some general guidance which is usually helpful is to look for things which have triggered conflicts in the past and make sure to work on doing the exact opposite from here on out (work on your 180's). If you've been controlling, try to look for opportunities to show him you trust his judgement . . . things along those lines.

Maybe to help, you could describe a specific recent conflict you had, and how you both dealt with it. Actual events are often easier to advise on than general attitudes.

And let me say from experience, that if you can afford it, the DB coaches can really help guide you better than these forum posts (no offense intended to other respondents ).

[adinva]

It sounds like a great 180 would be to schedule GAL activities that you take the kids along on, so he gets some scheduled free time.

[separated313]

I guess we've both been very indecisive. We lost our first son to a lung malformation at 20 weeks gestation. We had to make the decision to either try surgery or to terminate the pregnancy. After making that huge decision, I really changed. I used to be very straight forward and told everyone what I wanted. After losing our son, I couldn't make even the small decision of what to make for supper.

My H never likes to talk about anything that's bothering him, he normally keeps everything to himself. Any time I want his opinion, I'd have to drag it out of him. So eventually, I just stopped asking. I guess I figured if he wanted something bad enough, he would say something. Guess I was wrong.

I'd like to call in for coaching, but I have to save up first. I have spent most of my money paying up all the bills my H left behind at the house.

[azguy]

"I couldn't make even the small decision of what to make for supper. "

So, if this is still going on, show him that you are able to be decisive. Look for small, specific actions you could do differently. This will likely help your sense of confidence as well.

"So eventually, I just stopped asking. I guess I figured if he wanted something bad enough, he would say something. Guess I was wrong."

That's a more difficult one. If you start asking for his opinion now, after he's left he will probably interpret it as pursuing. On the other hand, if you're already talking with him about something, maybe look for opportunities to casually ask for his thoughts on the topic. If he does share something, make sure to tell him that you appreciate him telling you.

Good luck!

[separated313]

Thanks. And I guess I should elaborate on how I had a life and he didn't. I'm involved with community theatre. I've done a bunch of musicals in the summer that required me to be gone every weeknight during June and July. I've also had friends ask me to go do things with them. So my H was always home with the kids. I would ask him if he wanted to go do something with his friends, but he said if he could be home and play Xbox, he'd be fine. But now I wonder if that made him feel like a househusband? I can only speculate since we don't really do much talking now.

[Breakdown]

I would ask him if he wanted to go do something with his friends, but he said if he could be home and play Xbox, he'd be fine. But now I wonder if that made him feel like a househusband? I can only speculate since we don't really do much talking now.

I have been working from home for about 10 years now, and I wasn't really active outside of work/home before. Now, throw in my W's career, some kids, dinners, homework, etc, and I was pretty much making most of the money and taking care of the household. I'm also pretty cheap, so I didn't go out much....I'd stay home and play games as well.

I can now say without feeling bad that I hated it. I felt like I was sacrificing my time, my ability to socialize, for the betterment of the family. Probably would have been ok except over time, my W took me for granted and didn't make similar sacrifices. She'd go out for drinks with the girls and I'd be sitting at home cooking dinners and giving kids bathes. Eventually, it seemed like every meeting she had involved drinks somewhere.

Didn't seem like much of a "team" and I built up a lot of resentment over time.

[separated313]

See, that's what I'm worried about. I'd always ask my H if he minded. I never just made plans without asking him first. But looking back now, I wonder if he did have an issue with it. I didn't go out for drinks often. Normally, I wanted to do things with him and the fam.