AS, long ago I read your sitch and we are similar. It still makes me ill to read your last sentence. I sooo do not want to S but it is not my choice to make.
I know what you're saying, I also absolutely dreaded S. But it's been very therapeutic for both of us. I never could have detached while W was at home. There are probably times when you think you've detached, but with physical separation it's a lot easier to fully detach and then once you experience "real" detachment you realize you never did have that before. I don't know if it'll lead to reconciliation or not, but I feel like it's a much better shot then if we had stayed under one roof (even though it's been a PITA financially).
AS, long ago I read your sitch and we are similar. It still makes me ill to read your last sentence. I sooo do not want to S but it is not my choice to make.
I know what you're saying, I also absolutely dreaded S. But it's been very therapeutic for both of us. I never could have detached while W was at home. There are probably times when you think you've detached, but with physical separation it's a lot easier to fully detach and then once you experience "real" detachment you realize you never did have that before. I don't know if it'll lead to reconciliation or not, but I feel like it's a much better shot then if we had stayed under one roof (even though it's been a PITA financially).
If W and I had not separated we would have been D by now. This is because I couldn't get a grasp or control myself around her. So it was a good thing for my sitch.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Thanks guys for the reply. It is very hard to detach when living together. I know I am nowhere near where I need to be.
W finally got her new job today. As anyone who has been following my sitch knows, the lack of money was the #1 reason that W hadn't left yet. That is all about to change. She will definitely have the means to leave now.
I am really happy for her. She was miserable at work. I wished she would/could have left a couple of years ago.
This is potentially the beginning of the end for us. Initially I mentioned that I thought her job was a big part of our problem. She disagreed. It would be a tough pill to swallow for her to have to admit that I was right. I don't see that happening so it looks like she is on her way out.
Terrible mixed emotions. Very happy that she finally got a new job and no matter what happens she will be in a much happier place BUT kind of feeling down that this is the main step she was waiting for before leaving.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
My question is how in the he!! Do I act "normal" while also giving her space? My question is, how to act "normal" but still give space? Did I bust the DBing?
Grizz, I think any of us who are living together must struggle with this issue. Especially if the WAS is still communicating and being more or less civil. Maybe you should be a little more mysterious and act "as-if". So this time you met them at the mall for dinner. Next time, say you have plans and do something else. It'll have her thinking and show that you're getting on with your life with or without her.
Thanks guys for the reply. It is very hard to detach when living together. I know I am nowhere near where I need to be.
W finally got her new job today. As anyone who has been following my sitch knows, the lack of money was the #1 reason that W hadn't left yet. That is all about to change. She will definitely have the means to leave now.
I am really happy for her. She was miserable at work. I wished she would/could have left a couple of years ago.
This is potentially the beginning of the end for us. Initially I mentioned that I thought her job was a big part of our problem. She disagreed. It would be a tough pill to swallow for her to have to admit that I was right. I don't see that happening so it looks like she is on her way out.
Terrible mixed emotions. Very happy that she finally got a new job and no matter what happens she will be in a much happier place BUT kind of feeling down that this is the main step she was waiting for before leaving.
Maybe her getting a new job will help her emotionally and allow her to focus more on working herself. S imo is not always a step closer to the end. Keep DBing and keep the road home smooth and paved. "IF" you S it may be a positive! Don't give up hope!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
My question is how in the he!! Do I act "normal" while also giving her space? Like tonight, she texted me to say she was taking the kids to the mall to eat supper. For me to act normal this meant I would show up at the mall and eat with them. Be happy to see everyone after work and enjoy eating together. But to give her space would mean to just say ok and me pick up something to eat on the way to play softball.
So, thinking about the "normal" comment I texted back, I think I will have time to swing by and eat with you guys prior to playing ball. And that is what I did. Supper was un-eventful. We were friendly, talked and I left to play ball.
Normal can now mean many different things, and normal will never mean "life as you knew it" again...
Acting normal in the heat of the battle, at least to me, mean that YOU are un-phased by her decisions, and you act, rather than react to anything...
Normal could mean that when she sent you the text, you respond with...
Okay, thank you, I have something that I need to do, so I will see you later...
And then ACTUALLY go and do something...
Normal can mean that you are different now, and how you act rather than react to different scenarios.
Normal can also mean how you choose your battles differently now. And that you deal with your emotions differently than in the past.
Living together, you have a chance to show that you not only handle the positive in your life better, you handle the negative in your life better too...
The point is...
That YOU get to make that choice...
It CAN be difficult to deal with, yet it can be a situation where you grow and heal and detach....
Mach1, I never thought about MLC before until recently. Not that it really changes anything. But W has been exercising alot more, spending a ton of money on new clothes and jewelry, talking about getting Botox. She just seemed way too young and pretty/hot to be in a MLC. Who knows?
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Well, she is back in our bed tonight. Don't know why. THIS is why it is so hard for me to detach. I figured after I asked her yesterday why she went back to the other room that she would stay there for a while, at the very least to just make a point. Oh well.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
It may mean nothing other than that it's less hassle not to be asked about why she's sleeping where. Try to detach your emotions from where she sleeps!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
