First Post--2d troubled marriage

[2X Divorcee?]

Well, maybe I posted something years ago when my first marriage fell apart. But here I am again. Suprised but trying to DB....went straight back to MWD and got a fresh copy of DR..been in touch with a DB Coach as well as a face to face C. Been lurking here too but want to jump in and get some comments on a couple of things.

So, here's my sit...

started dating when we lived close to each other back in 2010. We had a wonderful start and great times. After I met her two girls and when my D visited, I thought we made up a FAB 5 that really clicked. We traveled together some alone and some with the girls. I proposed to her at Thanksgiving 2011. We are both in the military and she had plans to deploy. She said yes but had to leave within a week or two. We planned the wedding over skype and telephone. But the surprise that rocked us was that I got picked for another asignment while she was gone...8000 miles away. It was a hard pill to swallow but we agreed to give it a try and I promised to make it home from this far away location at least once a quarter. Also, I couldn't delay my departure. I was gone a month before her 6 month deployment ended. I returned home for the August wedding (which was awesome)...and then again 3 more times counting Christmas. As soon as I returned from Christmas, I could tell something was wrong over the phone. No more ILU and the calls got real short...she'd end them with some excuse. By the end of January I confronted her and pretty quickly got the BD.

More about the BD and my DBing in the next post.

[2X Divorcee?]

So, I think my DBing has been Ok since I've been here before. At BD, I let her know she was hurting me and went pretty dark for a few weeks. No calls or texts really for about a month. We really have no harsh words or accusations. No begging, no pleading. I did send her an "I miss you card" before the BD when I knew something was not right.

Right at the end of that "no comm" month, she put divorce papers in the mail.

On my log, it was just before those papers arrived that I got on the phone with a DB coach and she recommended I open up some comms as long as I could keep them bright and positive. I've been doing that. Early on, the comms got noticed that something had changed. Now, i think it's annoying her. Maybe that's a good thing(?). But she participates in the small talks. On a couple of occasions, my call (1 a day at most), she follows up with a text or email to check on my mom and dad (Dad in the hospital recently) and a check on the Divorce Papers.

Today, I got the same thing...and a recommendation to read the book "Decoupling". That title echos some of her comments about her perception that I need to let go and heal (hense her rush to D since the sooner the better for my healing???)

Next post is what she has said about "why D?"

[2X Divorcee?]

So here are her reasons for the D....from emails and conversations...notice the change as time passed.

email 1--Hey, how are you? Good here, but crazy busy. Work is out of control but good and the girls are busy in soccer, piano, horses, track and school.

email 2 (same day) We haven't talked since last Friday and I don't know when we really have the time. But we may need to. I'm not sure you know the seriousness of this. You said you have felt the disconnect too and I have been feeling it a long while. It's not going to get any better. It will get worse. Neither of us did anything wrong....just life and timing and distance got in the way. At the end of the day, we are too disjointed and separate to make this work.

email 3 (a day later) I wish things could have been different and I want you to know how wonderful I think u are, but at this point it's not possible to fix this. I am very sorry. You deserve so much more and I'm sorry I can't do that. It's been just me and the girls for so long that they come first and I have nothing left over for u. Please understand


So, I planned to take the D papers to her on my next trip home...Dad was in the hospital and I needed to be there too.
With my DB coaches advice, I let her know I was comming about 3 weeks prior and I told her:
"right now I'm just giving you space but I'm not giving up
This is your decision and I'll learn to be comfortable with it
But I'm not running away I want us to be together and I'm here to support you now as a friend if you need it"


She didn't let me stay in the house but we chatted the night before I gave here the papers (btw, there are still some other papers I have to provide). In that conversation she starts to say the following reasons for the D...

Reasons included decision to take assignment vs retire and be together; No blending of the family before the wedding (I disagree--vacations/outings a plenty)--"but that was her decision"; Engagement, deployment, wedding all happened so fast no time to reconsider; waiting for that 5:00 phone call...eventually I didn't care; Even if decisions were different, "it wouldn't have been enough"/"there would have been something else".

[2X Divorcee?]

So, my DBing has included some pretty good GAL stuff. The distance and timezones automatically helps to detach. PMA is normally intact (a couple of down days)but the whole D papers stuff is hard to take. I have not reached out to any of her family or friends but that takes some real restraint too. Not sure I really have any 180's except for deciding to contact W or not contact W. Right now, I think I will continue some calls even if it is annoying her. I think the annoying is just that she has to admit I can be a good and reliable friend...even in hard times.

Here are some questions if anyone wants to share some thoughts:
Any thoughts on giving this a name (MLC/depression/WAW/other? I'm honestly a little confused given all the info I'm reading or advice I'm getting and trying to apply.

Should I read "Decoupling"? I read a couple of posts saying it was a good book. But my quick read of the introduction didn't make it sound "pro marriage"...?

Thanks

[2X Divorcee?]

Just re-read and thought I'd add a couple of things for clarification....

In my signature...it says "both on AD"...that is "Active Duty military" not "anti depressants".

Also a little self evaluation---I do feel selfish in how I handled the assignment decision. Honestly, it didn't even seem like I considered the option to retire. And for me, it was just that...retire and have your pension affected pretty huge or take the job for two years. We weren't married yet and I did not handle it well or ask for her involvement. That's the part i could have done better.

She nor I liked it but with the hopes for trips to see each other and potential for some pretty cool vacations, she said it would be OK. But I don't think she really got over it. I also realized that her own move (new assignment) after her deployment created custody problems with her ex. So she was not able to plan time away very well because her ex was not participating in the planning to see the girls any earlier than just a few weeks...she really couldn't plan her life around that. And to bring the girls out of the country was another debate and extra steps to accomplish as well.

Anyhow, if I could go back and reconsider retirement now, it would be a much tougher decision...actually, retirement may have been a very easy decision. But if I believe none of what she says and only half of what she does, I should just ignore that whole issue, right? That's where I get confused.

[2X Divorcee?]

The other biggie is the concern to explain from above is that I feel like I am annoying her with a call a day. One call a day is A LOT less than when things were good before Christmas. We were constantly chatting, texting, and skyping....Man we ran up some bills!! I'm wondering if my effort to just be a friend is slowing her intended retreat...? If she expected me to get mad about the divorce, this is a little unexpected for her. Am I mind reading. Who cares, I know I should just continue to do what I want and not worry about it.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Or maybe you are not on moderation now.(lucky)

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[2X Divorcee?]

Roger Cadet...thanks.

Maybe no moderation since this is my second time around, I had a user profile for several years. I will use it more now than ever before.

GAL = Night dive tomorrow, Morning Dive Saturday and Group hike Sunday. No more housebound solitude unless I'm cooking which is my other interest.

[Cadet]

Roger Cadet...thanks.

Maybe no moderation since this is my second time around, I had a user profile for several years. I will use it more now than ever before.

GAL = Night dive tomorrow, Morning Dive Saturday and Group hike Sunday. No more housebound solitude unless I'm cooking which is my other interest.

Yes that is probably why.
Like I said you are lucky

So here is a link to an old thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6320#Post286320

So am I to understand this is a different wife?

I am confused, where do the children live?

If you get divorced one child is yours, does she live with you?

[2X Divorcee?]

Yeah, it's a mess.

First divorce was final in '09 after a long separation. My D lives with her in S FL...but I get to see her whenever I can. She's coming out here for the summer in just about 6 weeks.

W and her girls now live in N FL. We met and dated in TX until the military applied the new plan upon us.

I listed my D in the sig block because she spent a good bit of time with me in TX and got to know W's girls pretty well. We all took a European vacation together. D was there with the rest of W's extended family when I proposed....i thought the Fab 5 was good. D always wanted younger siblings and they all mixed well with her too.