Wife is having an emotional affair

[Alan A.]

My wife and I have been married almost a year(no children). In the past week I noticed my wife sending and receiving a lot more text messages than usual but didn't think too much of it at first. Then she started trying to hide her texting from me, like only texting when she thought i wasn't paying attention or hiding her phone on the other side of her leg if we were sitting together. I could tell something was up. I had a pretty good idea who she was texting and eventually asked her about it, she said that she was only hiding it because she felt bad about texting her friend so much and though it would upset me. I explained to her that she doesn't have to feel bad about texting a friend and she doesn't need to hide it. Something still didn't feel right with her behavior for a few days after that and it seemed like whenever she had free time between classes she was hanging out with this guy, so I asked her if she had feelings for him and she responded that she didn't know. Then the next day she told me that she did but still loved me and couldn't decide what to do. I was shocked because i thought everything had be going relatively ok (we had been having intimacy issues). I have always done my best to show her that I love her and tell her everyday. I do things for her all the time and take the time to complement her and tell her she is beautiful. I asked her if she wanted to try and save our marriage and she just said she didn't know what she wanted anymore. She said she didn't feel like I showed her that I love her, and we talked a for a bit about that then she said I guess you do show me you love me and I just don't realize it. This morning I asked her if she still wanted to be married to me and she said that she didn't want to keep hurting me and that she was afraid she was going to cheat on me. I asked if that meant no she didn't want to be married and she said she did not. At this point I pretty much broke down and I don't know what to do. I would do anything to save our marriage but she said she didn't want to fight for it. I asked if she would be willing to go to counseling and she said that if I could find a counselor and setup an appointment she would go, but were both students and do really have any money to see a counselor. Also she is in a performance at school and is at rehearsal until 11 every night, so she doesn't really have any times when she could go until after the performance is over in about 2 weeks. I just don't know what I can do to prevent losing her and I'm falling apart.
Sorry if parts of this don't make sense, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Francis Bacon

Keep Posting but have patience for your posts to show up

[Alan A.]

So, we really haven't had any relationship talk since she said she didn't want to be married. When we had talked previously I tried to find out if there had been something that I was doing/not doing that was making her feel this way. She said that there wasn't anything wrong with me and it was her, I asked if she has been happy in our marriage and she said that for a little bit after we got married she was having second thoughts and they didn't last long and that she had been happy, but there was just something un-explainable about OM. She had been friends with him before we got married and told me she regretted never having the opportunity to date him. She also said that she was still in love with me. I have a hard time understanding that she was happy in our marriage but still wants to end it. I tried to get her to explain it but she couldn't.

more about whats been happening more recently in the next post.

[Alan A.]

So more recently She is still texting OM. Most days they go until around 2AM. Today I tried to just ignore it which worked at first but got harder as the day went on and every time I saw her reach for her phone I hurt more and more and every time I want to ask her to stop texting him (I've resisted so far as I feel it would make her feel I'm trying to control her, is this the right move?). By bed time I cant sleep because I'm just to distracted/worried. here's a weird thing though, she still wants to hold hands, hug, cuddle, and kiss(not passionate just a quick kiss, sometimes a few in a row). I'm not sure how to feel about this, is it just routine or does she still like doing those things with me. Should I allow this? I have been thus far. Also I when ever we are out together I always make it a point to open doors for her (including the car door) should I continue this? I'm really worried it's going to turn into a PA and I know I would not handle that very well. Any thoughts on the situation would be greatly appreciated.

[Alan A.]

So we talked a little more about our relationship. She still says that I there was nothing I did/didn't do to cause this. But now she is saying that the "second thoughts" she had before the wedding have come back off and on thought our marriage and she thinks we got married too early. She also said that she was no longer happy in the marriage and the reason she hadn't talked to me about it months ago is because she didn't want to hurt my feelings. I've always told her that she can talk to me about anything. I just wish she had come talked to me before there was another man to deal with. She still says she would be willing to try counseling but also says she doesn't know what she wants in her life anymore. She still texts OM all the time.

I just don't know what the next move I should make is. I would greatly appreciate any advice.

[Alan A.]

Oh yeah, something I forgot to add previously, whenever she says she would try counseling I can tell she doesn't want to. So I asked her if she really wanted to go to counseling or if she was just saying that to try and make it hurt less for me. She just got really awkward and silent and I could tell the question made her uncomfortable so I told her she didn't have to answer now but to think about it. I feel like everything I do either has no results or makes things worse. I just don't know what to do.

[Alan A.]

I happened to see one of her texts to OM saying that she was "crazy head over heals" for him. and she talked about hanging out with him while I am in class today. This morning she has been getting all dressed up, she is even wearing a dress. She hasn't got dressed for me in a long time. Right after we got married she said well now I don't have to work to impress anyone anymore. She has said similar things a couple times since we have been married. I asked what she was going to do this morning and she said she was going to hang out with one of her female friends. I also found out that she wants to go to comic con (we have one in the area) with a group of friends on our anniversary and OM will be there. Before this thing started she said she wanted to go out of town somewhere with me. I wish I could understand whats going on. I've tried to have her explain a few things about what she is feeling and she always says I don't know.

[~ kd ~]

The fact that she was hiding OM means that at least she understands that it is probably not "OK" and admitted she thought you'd be upset about it.

I can say that many here who have discovered an EA, worry it will turn to a PA. Even though, for many, an EA is just as bad and painful as a PA, as discovered and reported by psychologists.

That said, there is no guarantee that trying to stop the A will have that affect. In some instances, it can push the A further underground and even speed the affair spouse further into the A.

Best for you to do is accept that it is happening and... if it is not a deal breaker for you... let it run it's course, become a man that only a fool would leave, and stop snooping or pressuring your W directly. The quicker and more permanently you can make this awesome changes in yourself, the better. But... do them because you want to make these changes in yourself, for your future, regardless of whether your M is saved, or not.

An A often runs it's course, regardless of EA or PA, and will fizzle out, eventually. The less you provide a reason for her to run FROM you (are less attractive option, in her mind, not necessarily a reality), the sooner she will have an opportunity (reason) to choose to return to the M and work things out.

Remember, an A is a symptom, so there is some reason why she sought the OM. ie. Something she wasn't getting from you. Of course, she does not WANT that from you right now, so you will have to find other ways to be attractive to your W... or if the M is not saved... any future R.

[Alan A.]

Remember, an A is a symptom, so there is some reason why she sought the OM. ie. Something she wasn't getting from you.

I thought this too but the thing is she says that the problem is with her, not me. I still feel like I must have had some part in it but I can't think of what it could possibly be and I doubt she will ever tell me.

Best for you to do is accept that it is happening and... if it is not a deal breaker for you... let it run it's course

I'm trying to figure out if I still want to try to work things out. At first I definitely wanted to but now I'm starting to feel like no matter what I do/don't do she is going to choose OM over me and I need to just start trying to move on.

[Alan A.]

I've been feeling angry for the past day or two and feeling like I want to tell her to go. I think it might just be a phase and I'm gonna give it some more time before I act. I keep thinking of things I want to say to her that would probably not be the best things to say. I've been able to control myself so far. I'm not sure if she can tell I'm mad, if she can she hasn't made any indications that she has. I've been trying to do things to get my mind off of it but it's tough. Like I said in an earlier post I'm a student and don't have too much money but I want to try and get enough together for one of the books recommended on this site. What would you recommend I read first?