Thanks, SS. I've definitely learned to express my feelings about things before they fester. Unfortunately, I think I have a pretty short fuse now. I don't like that I can "see" the train coming down the tracks and want to get out of the way while it's still a mile away (like the sitch with your SD.) I hope things worked out well with that! I know your SD was one of your deal-breakers. I don't think my H would take it well how you put it (not willing to be in a marriage where that would happen) because any discussion of D is simply not acceptable to him (call it HIS boundary.)
Thanks, OT. The suggestion that I would cook/hold dinner if H would just let me know if/when his son was coming over WAS my attempt at a partnership approach. H agreed but then didn't do it. I would say that has always been my biggest issue -- us discussing something, coming up with an agreeable solution, then H not keeping up his end. He knows it's a problem of his, and I do too, but it creates a real encumbrance for me to want to engage with him when I know there's a good chance I won't get my needs met, even if I've met his. My "compromise" ends up looking more like involuntary sacrifice.
Anyway, just for an update. I went to a CoDA meeting this past Sunday. It wasn't quite what I expected. I had hoped for more discussion about what codependency is and how it manifests itself in people's lives and what they do to cope with/address it. Instead, it seemed rather scripted. First, they passed around the list of the 12 steps and people took turns reading one. Then administrative stuff (scheduling, collecting dues, etc.) Then they passed a Co-D book and people took turns reading a couple of paragraphs. Then they passed around a list of self-affirmation quotes and each person picked one and read it out loud. Finally, for the last half-hour, they dimmed the lights, lit candles and opened the floor for sharing (max 5 mins.) People shared where they were or what they were struggling with at the time, but there was no discussion or feedback. Just share, "thank you," and on to the next.
They had a sign that said give it six meetings before deciding. I'll try to give it that, but I'm not sure how this is going to help. Maybe it's typical. I've never done a support group before.
On the positive note, after I left and realized it wasn't everything I hoped for, I didn't fall into a slump like I might normally have done. I had started a fitness program on April 1st and it has really done a lot for my mood. Or perhaps my mood has done a lot for my fitness program. Either way, I'm feeling great. The great spring weather is a definite plus (no allergies for me!) and I'm really enjoying getting outside. And my computer time involves very little relationship reading, and instead I'm focusing on self-motivating topics, or learning good eating habits and exercises, or looking up new recipes, etc. Maybe I'm just resigned to the state of things and just don't care to work on it anymore. It's not like I was having any success anyway.
Thanks for checking in! I hope all is going well with you!
