I don't know if this will help to clarify - and it's just my thoughts...
but having a goal of "Having h compliment me" is NOT Dbing, in my opinion.
That ^^ all relies on HIM and his reactions. Instead, a DB goal of mine was to "have a conversation with h, that does not escalate" (And what I really meant was that any escalation would NOT come from me, b/c I'm all I can control).
By me staying calm, it rarely escalated. So, I guess my point is, the focus of the goal was on what I could control. Not how he reacted. But sure, MY behavioral changes tended to, OVER TIME, generate different responses from him.
GAL is key and we hammer it b/c we know it works in several ways. And there is more you can do in that area. In fact that potential land mine might be a great way for you two to try and resolve a conflict. Not by you "losing it", but by you showing a NEW way of standing up for yourself without anger or blame.
IF you end up going to the MC (aka the div counselor, which I'd probably have to mention in a serious way sometime...)
make sure this issue comes up. That YOU do your best to handle things at home AND at your work and that you need to GAL and pursue your other interests (which makes you more interesting, as in, a man bringing something to the table, other than his needs) AND since you are coparents, a "team" so to speak, you are now working on communicating YOUR need to GAL more to her.
Taking my kids to Italy in 2006, without h, did a whole lot to wake him up but I swear to you, that trip was for ME (& the kids).
WE planned it together, which was incredibly empowering and gave us joy at a dark time in our lives. IOW, We did not 'wait for h to be available"
and then, WE went.
I simply acted as if we were, in effect, single, b/c hey, HE lived far away from us...
I was taking a trip with the kids (it was our anniversary and no way was I going to be home doing nothing)
Best money I ever begged/borrowed and scrimped....had a blast and did NOT think of h much, nothing reminded me of him, but so much was very stimulating. We really had fun, and without him.
The trip proved and Showed us that we would be fine, with or without him....very stimulating, not sad or morose and lots of laughing and bonding with my kids.
As a military family, we know that we can be happy and grow even if our spouse is gone. And some dads/moms who are deployed, manage to stay close to their kids. It's hard but possible. I've seen it.
for h, I can't say what he went through or thought when we were gone. I did not ask. (And btw, I'd never ask your w about the R if I could help it).
Anyhow, h sure tried calling me often while over there, which was hard. And there was no meaningful internet either. His secretary told me later that he was talking about our "trip without him", every day...
Oh well.
Like I said, it was empowering and enriching and FUN. Had nothing to do with him. But yes, it was noticed by him... GAL is a paradox
in that you have to GAL for YOU to become a happier and healthier YOU for life, and not to get their attention...
but
it's the most likely way to get their attention.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
