M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Reb...I have also been on pins and needles wondering if and when the D papers might come...it is driving me nuts!!
I was thinking I need to really look at what would happen if they did come, what will my reaction be, how will I handle it, what would change if I did receive them...
Plan on discussing in IC, also discussing how I would react if H was with someone else...
Maybe if we confront the unknowns it might help us? would our process change if papers were exchanged? I know it would be shocking, and I need to prepare myself to shut my mouth when they do arrive and look at how I would have handled the sitch before, the old me, and how I want to handle it as the new me!!
Also my sense is to just let it go...and show the person you want to be this weekend...his vib might have had to do with something at work and nothing to do with the sitch that night, you, him the girls or his cell...
FS, I've thought about the scenario before! I used to live in fear but really thought I would react differently, I always pictured myself striving for calm acceptance. But in my imagination, I always pictured being handed papers from H or even being served.
It was the shock of the lonely registered mail slip that did it for me. Echoed the trauma of coming home last summer and H having moved out without me knowing. It was another slap of rejection that I thought was behind my back. I'm pretty sure I could handle the situation head on, but this sneaking around bs is still reeeallllyy difficult for me to process.
But I leaped before I knew all the facts and who knows how things could have been different. I've even imagined today that my accusing him brought up bad feelings and prompted him to reach out to ow for comfort. (that's way behind mindreading, that's a fairy tale!)
So I will be extra cautious to try to avoid jumping to conclusions from now on. And my reminder will be... all that worry was about an ebay purchase. D*mn!
Shiss - I've been trying to find the exact reference too! I read it on anotherstander's thread I think, but haven't been able to find it again and I don't see comments from AS here. You know how it is when you click on so many threads & can't figure out how to get back there.
Shisss, catching up on your sitch will comment soon. Didn't want to hijack your thread, but AS wrote on yours (how inappropriate is it to solicit responses from certain ppl?) -
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
The other thing I would change is learning to STHU and just listen and validate. I eventually figured that out (with the help of DR, these forums and RetroV), but it took months and months to get there and in the meantime I spent WAY too much time talking and not nearly enough listening which for me was "more of the same" behavior because that's what I did throughout the M.
This comment made me think of my same behavior. In regards to working on/communicating about my R w/ H, I was either angry or pleading, or at the end indifferent. I thought the indifference was acceptance, but I'm pretty sure H took it as "don't care anymore" and I can admit there was a whole lot of that too.
I'm really lost at how else to be in dealing w/ H. DB kind of goes along the line of indifference & acceptance (detaching) but that would be more of the same for me.
I've had many opportunities lately to be around H and have avoided all personal topics or questions of him and I'm wondering if that is translated as 'not caring' and viewed as more of the same... and it kind of limits us to weather, movies and kids topics of conversation. But it's safe in db land...
. Where O where is AS????