Hey all - Middle of the fifth month since H moved out - daily contact and frequent visits - still some problems with fighting - two steps forward big jump back, but he still says he doesn't want the big D, wants to come home, but is afraid we'll just fight.
Family and friends are telling me "it's time to give up- it's been five months and you need to accept that if he isn't ready to move in now, he never will be."
THAT IS SO DISCOURAGING!!!! And it makes me feel angry at H because he isn't home. It blows my patience, and my hope, and all that. Am I just hoping for something that will never happen? Am I pathetic?
AUGH! Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Welcome and your having daily contact and frequent visits! YIPPIE
If your friends and family are discouraging you and not allowing you to focus on what is important to YOU, then don't talk to them about it. Just say everything is going as planned or something to that effect and drop it. Come here for your support and encouragement.
There are a lot of wonderful people with great words of wisdom.
AND most importantly YOU are NOT pathetic!
Can you give some information on your situation? More details if you would like.
Myrrh - You have come to the right place Unfortunately, friends and family just want to see you not get hurt. They are NOT your best source of encouragement in this situation. They will NOT understand what you are trying to accomplish. But we do!
If H is still saying he wants to come home, that is HUGE! He may be waiting to see you make some more changes, or to be sure your changes are for real. Work on yourself, do some 180's, keep a positive mental attitude. If you need to lose weight or get in shape, do it. If you could use a makeover - do it. If you need to be more adventuresome, more outgoing, more responsible, less serious, more serious - whatever it is, do it. Surprise him. Intrigue him.
Approach all things with a beginner's mind. Let go of your preconceptions, the "oh, I could never do that's", the "he'll never change this", the "we could nevers". Try to see things from your H's point of view, no matter how hard that is to accept. Work on moving FORWARD to a NEW R with H, not backwards to the old one - and tell your H that.
Read some threads here and see how others have done it. Reread Divorce Remedy or Divorcebusting and focus on the baby steps - that's where you'll see progress first.
Lyreal - I have been in the same boat. H has been in and out since August. I finally just quit telling them anything about us a few months back. It was very hurtful to my parents to not know what's going on, but I need to do what's right for me.
Before all of this happened I really thought an A would be the deal breaker in our marriage. MIraculously I still feel it's worth saving and have gone on to make positive changes in myself. Like your H, mine wants to be home and that is very positive IMO. If he's not ready, don't push. My H came home under pressure from me the first time and it blew up in both of our faces. DB and DR and this board have been wonderful sources of inspiration. WElcome! P
Hi there...glad to see you! You're already getting great advice from these guys
My 2 cents re. family and friends is to stop discussing your sitch with them if it breeds advice/comments that don't feel right to you. There's lots of reasons why the folks close to you will advise you to give up, move on, etc but it doesn't matter a whit...what matters is what YOU want...but you know that. Stop having conversations that make you feel worse, not better...you know "stop doing it if it ain't working!".
Now...what are you doing to address h's concerns about fights?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Well, I know one thing I need to do - spend more time here getting great advice, support, and encouragement from all of you guys! I think I try to do this alone too much of the time.
Unfortunately, the fighting is MY issue. My parents had a really stormy, unhappy marriage, and although objectively that isn't what I want, I am scared to let things just cool down. It's weird, but sometimes I fell like negative attention is better than NO attention. Having explained that, I realize that the why doesn't really matter, what matters is that it's not working! The old R sucked, to be blunt. Is it possible to love someone and still hate the R you have with them?
Biggest fights we get into: when I try to have big R talks, when I bug him about coming over, when I let my feelings re OW (3-4 months gone - lives 3 hours away now) or my fears about us come out. I am driving him farther away with MY pressuring.
I don't know how to handle inviting him to come over without being pressuring - I have so much trouble not feeling rejected when he says no, and I react to my feelings of rejection with anger.
It's hard to accept that my family may never measure up to my family's standards of what a family/marriage sh/be like. H and I spend a lot of time playing computer games (online) together - that's a hobby for us. We are avid Lord of the Rings fans, he owns a tattoo and body-piercing shop. That's what my family sees, and thinks we're just weird and dysfunctional (the latter maybe, but not because of our interests and hobbies).
They don't see him buying me little presents whenever he goes somewhere, or bringing over milk cuz I asked him to, but also picking up some of my favorite kind of juice just for me on the way. They don't see him putting up with my fears, and doubts, and loving me just for who I am and thinking I'm adorable that way!
We still have all that, and it is ME that is the big roadblock here right now. How do I relate to my husband and be lovingly detached without being rejecting? (specifically when we are negotiating when to get toegether)
Help! (And thanks for the advice and encouragement thus far Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
how lucky you are that you started your first posts here in piecing!!! this is the right place for you!
i agree with everyone else, do NOT go to your family with your sitch becuase they are only concerned about you not hurting anymore...please just tell them, i am handling things the way i need to so that i can be comfortable with myself when i go to bed at night...
5 months??? oh my god, 5 months is NOTHING in this thing...you got plenty of time to make a great marriage
Thanks, Kitti. Guess this is the time in my life when I work on my issues with patience (or lack of it). I keep trying to tell myself that this is a point where I can become wiser, stronger, and more able to love than I have ever been up to this point. I think letting myself ask for help, wisdom, and support from other db'ers is a step in the right direction.
Thanks Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
I still would like a few details about your sitch, to get a clearer picture of how your R got to the point you two are at, but that will come in time, I guess. We can be more specific that way.
What I do sense is that you are putting a lot of mental effort into what other people (granted, loving and caring people who root for you) think about you, your M and your way of life.
Your family loves you and wants what they think it is best for you. The catch of course is that only you can decide what it is that you want, and what will ultimately make you happy. You will make mistakes, and hit walls, and get hurt in the process, for sure; but it will be your mistakes and your pain and your hurt that you will use as building blocks of the better person you want to become.
So the major first question in DBing comes: what are your goals?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
