That whole paragraph made me want to cry! Thank you so much for letting me know I am not alone feeling so devastated. Sometimes everyone here seems so strong in the things that they write, and I don't feel that strong.
I know what you mean when you say you didn't want to GAL. Isn't it ironic that so often when we are feeling our worst we just don't want to feel any better. Me, I just wanted to wrap myself up in blankets and cry, telling myself how hopeless life is.
But, of course, you are right. I have to make myself go out there and GAL! Right now, there is nothing I can do directly to save my M, so the only thing to do right now is to save myself. If there is still hope of a reconciliation between us, I had better be a healthy, happy person, or not only won't I be equipped to piece, there will be nothing there to love. And if there is no hope for a reconciliation, I had better be a healthy, happy person, or there will be nothing I can do with the rest of my life - which I still have left to live, either way.
I work at nursing homes, and today I was met by an old lady from the Carribean, who speaks Spanish and French, but has forgotten all her English. This 80 year old woman was distraught, telling me that her 14 year old daughter had been grabbed by a fat boy down the hall and was being harassed by him. Note, she is an 80 year old woman, so of course she hasn't any 14 year old daughter, but there is no telling her that. So I gently told her that it was OK...I had just seen her 14 year old walking off safely to school, and the police had taken that boy away. She was so relieved and happy, she hugged me and blessed me (she is a little hyperreligious)! It was such a silly little thing but it felt so good to see that I could do something that made a positive impact on the life of another adult. At home, the few times W speaks to me, I hear plenty about the negative effect I have had. I really want to have more of those experiences where I can do something to make someone happy.
I went to karate for the first time in well over a year on Friday, and it was really nice to hear how many other people welcomed me back, including the instructor. It is a really positive and supportive place. While they are demanding in terms of performance, they are not like some dojangs, where those who perform less are looked down upon. If you go in there all out of shape, their whole attitude is, "you have to start somewhere." I didn't remember most of my techniques and forms, but having that welcoming attitude made up for it. Expect to go back tomorrow night.
I am already on an antidepressant, but I am now on the maximum dose of the one I am taking, and on that I was still where I was on Sunday, so I think that during my next appointment we need to consider trying a different one.
Positive - you're right! I have to know I've done everything I can...then I can let it go in peace, if that's what must be.
Rick - glad to see you again.
Gotta go, everybody. Will keep on posting. Thanks again.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
