I've noticed with some people, when they set goals, they make it about the spouse. For an example, "S will kiss me by Friday" I believe the goals need to be about the one who is here, b/c that is who is putting the work into the MR. You can't make your S do things, so don't make goals about them.
Excellent point! There's no harm in writing that down as a baby step, but you are so right that it should not be a personal goal. It's a baby step that shows the DB'ing is working. And it should not have a timeline attached to it, too many people try setting deadlines to baby steps, but every sitch is different and every WAS is different.
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Have you ever thought about that......that you can't make her love you? I wonder if some men really "get it".
Well speaking as a man I will say that no, we don't get it, LOL! For us love = sex. For women love = passion/ connection. There should be a high school class on this, we typically don't get it until after BD when we suddenly realize how darned clueless we've been and we seek answers on where things went wrong! We think that if we can just get back to sex, that it means she loves us again. So instead of focusing on the lost passion and connection, we pour on the coals to get back in her pants (begging/ pleading/ negotiating/ etc.) which of course just repulses a WAW.
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B/c men are taught to pursue and be charming and seduce the female to get her in the mood to make love. Isn't that his basic drive?
Unfortunately we think that's just the courtship process, and that after marriage that's no longer required. So we can sit on the couch in our underwear eating chips while watching football and expect our W to stop the laundry and meet us in the bedroom at halftime for sex and that therefore her need for "love" has been met, LOL!
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And a lot of guys take it as rejection, b/c she really is rejecting him and the M. After a few kicks to his ego, it does a number on him, and that's when you'll see a LBH start to go down very quickly.
Boy do I need to post this reminder in a prominent place!
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That's why I said she would not respect you if you were trying to do all the housework, cooking, child-care, activities, etc., so she wouldn't have to worry about doing any of it. Instead of really appreciating it, it can backfire on you. This where so many LBH's over-kill, b/c they jump in and do it ALL. It sort of goes against the attraction factor and she begins to feel as if she's in a more "superior" position, IMO.
In the case of my W, she eventually told me that it actually made her angry when I took everything over. One reason was that she said to herself "If it's so easy for him to change then why didn't he do it a long time ago?" and the other reason was that it made her feel like I was pushing her out of the house by demonstrating to her that I didn't need her for things like cooking/ cleaning/ laundry. So it actually had the opposite effect of what I was hoping for.
