Losing Hope

[AnotherStander]

I gotta knock this crap off and re-read DR and start with a beginners mind. I wish Bond, Sandi, AS or Cadet would ream me right now!

LOL! No need, you're beating yourself up pretty good without any help

Vets or anyone out there that's been with this along time, if you could take back any of your actions in the first 30 days after BD, what would those actions be?

Oh man, well for sure I would take back the begging/ pleading/ negotiating/ crying. The other thing I would change is learning to STHU and just listen and validate. I eventually figured that out (with the help of DR, these forums and RetroV), but it took months and months to get there and in the meantime I spent WAY too much time talking and not nearly enough listening which for me was "more of the same" behavior because that's what I did throughout the M.

And I spent way too much time trying to fix my M and fix my W. I worked on fixing me too and I certainly don't regret that part, but I was trying to fix EVERYTHING and not recognizing that W and the M were outside of my control. I printed out stuff for her on perimenopause (she's going through it), on anti-depressants (she's been on them for years), and even sent her the first chapter of DR. What total bonehead moves! I can't fix her! She needs space to figure things out for herself. I knew that from early on, but just refused to believe it.

So yeah, learn from my mistakes, don't do those things! We ALL make some of these mistakes, so if you have it's OK, don't beat yourself up, just learn from your mistakes and keep pushing forward