After phone coaching session #2

[reb9597]

Had a scare just now that brought up a lot of bad feelings. Received one of those colored cards saying I had to come sign and pick up registered mail. Well everyone here can imagine where my brain went with that... I was expecting D papers and I freaked out inside. Especially because we are literally leaving in a minute to go meet H for 'family dinner' for d18 bday.

After the tears subsided, I decided I couldn't wait until 9am tomorrow to know what this mail is about. I called H and chatted about meeting us at restaurant, then casually asked 'I got a notice for registered mail today. Have to go pick up tomorrow. Is there anything we need to talk about first?' He said no, he didn't know what it was. Then he kinda chuckled and said 'did you think it was divorce papers?' I said yeah, the thought crossed my mind... then I said 'maybe I won the sweepstakes' and he answered 'if you did, I get half'. haha

So now we have to leave to meet him in person, where I'll pull myself together and show pma and try to have a good time.

I'm proud of myself for asking him directly. I think on the phone was perfect, text was too casual and I couldn't handle it in person. I couldn't wait until tomorrow to pick up the mail, especially with having to see him tonight. And I sounded pretty casual and don't think it came across as manic as I was truly feeling.

But I touched the unforgivable subject of D, something that's never been mentioned between us. He actually said the word D for the first time on the phone.

[azguy]

Hi reb, just caught up on your postings after awhile away from this board. Good to read you've had so many positive interactions with your H. The hugs and the sense of feeling known must have been wonderful to experience.

I can identify with your concerns as well. If you succeed in reconnecting, can you really form a new R? I don't know exactly how to approach this, but I imagine it's a common struggle. Is it anymore uncertainty than if you were starting a R with someone new? In a way you are. You are are certainly different, and it sounds like he is too.

Oh, and you were asking about other 180's. Listen to bug and stop mindreading If he were someone new you were starting a R with, you would have no idea what he was really thinking, and you don't. Impressive 180 list, by the way.

[reb9597]

Worst dinner ever. So awkward. D18 had fun with a couple of her friends that were there, but H & D15 hardly spoke at all. And I tried to engage him & kids in conversation, but it was full on awkward.

THEN half way through the meal the text messages started. From OW. Yes, D15 and I were sitting on either side of H and could easily see the incoming messenges as his phone was sitting on the table. Just couldn't read the text. He started to hide his phone after the first missed call and messages. I thought he was done with her (well according to my reading his online posts, they had ended things).

Now we have this day trip planned for this weekend and I just want to cancel. Maybe I can get really sick before then and have to stay home.

Things were going so well and I thought we were at least on a friendly path. Tonight it felt like I was being stonewalled. This H tonight was the same asshat that abandoned us last summer. But I still smiled, still laughed, still tried to be natural and normal.

WTF??!!

I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to believe that everyone has a bad day. I want to even be understanding to the tumultuous feelings H may be experiencing, and the draw of what's easy instead of the marriage that would take a lot of work to repair.

Sure that may be mindreading, but if I take the evening at face value - H sat there in our group and didn't speak. Didn't smile. Didn't participate. Texted OW. Add on to that the registered mail slip from before dinner, maybe my call offended him? or maybe there are really D papers in the mail waiting for me tomorrow...

I'm just hurt. Even my hurt is progress I guess, a year ago I would have been plate-throwing pissed off.

Please I need some encouragement.

[azguy]

Ugh. Sounds like a rough evening. From you description you put on a brave front. I hope your thoughts are venting, not how you'd like to proceed.

You mentioned H receiving texts. Of course, he couldn't avoid that. At least he had the sense to put away his phone once he started to receive them. If he didn't spend significant time responding to them, perhaps you can focus on those two things as going better than they could have.

Part of your hurt sounds like it comes from being surprised because from "reading his online posts, they had ended things" I don't know the context of this. It seems like you were snooping on his activities? This never leads anywhere good.

He already told you that the mail was not D papers. Sounds to me like these couple of events have really activated some fears of yours.

I'd be scared too. You're working on things, and there's no sign of a response, and threats from the OW. Remember to detach, as much as possible. Your intention to work on things is something you've decided to do, independent of whether he responds to it or not (right?) Of course, you might one day end up rethinking your intentions, but for now hang in there. He'll notice, if he's not really an asshat.

[adinva]

OK, here's some encouragement for you. If plate-throwing is where you would have been a year ago, it wasn't the worst dinner ever, because you didn't throw any plates at least. You did awesome. You smiled and kept a PMA through some triggers, great job!!!

Now. You should know that in your sitch H is going to act rude sometimes and text ow or op or people in general and you should NOT try to guess who or get offended, just BE. If his D15 is offended that's between D15 and him.

I'm going through the same thing with my S15 and my H, and S15 is really distancing himself from his dad. I have been encouraged by my friends here to stop trying to manage that. Be as positive as you can to your D15 to try to let her develop a real and unique relationship with her dad that is as positive as possible. Don't get in the way of it. But it's not yours to create. Also, some of the way a 15yo acts is just 15yo stuff, not necessarily abandonment stuff, not always. You just do the best you can to model detachment, grace, and love, and it sounds like you did just that. Great!

If your H put the phone away, I agree he was doing what is reasonable. You can't control who sends him texts or when, and you can't control how he responds to them. But it sounds like he was attempting to be aware of his manners at dinner. Heck, my H used to get his phone out and text people when we were trying to be out on a date together, in our pre-bomb not-doing-so-well days. It was so offensive to me. I would have been overjoyed if he put his phone away so we could eat for 30 minutes. But I digress....

This was for D18, right, and she had fun, and you survived and DB'd like a pro. Great success.

I think perhaps the reason you don't feel it was a success was because you had some expectations that weren't met. You expected him to act more warm and connected, you expected no one would text him bc he ended things with ow?, you expected D15 and him to talk and smile a lot.... But I say it was a success because the only part of it that YOU control, went great.

Keep your head up, and have a great day, you rock!

[reb9597]

I lost my sh!t over an ebay purchase from China that came by registered mail.

Looking back over the past 18 hours, I'm ashamed about how my mind jumped to the worst conclusion. I probably even made H feel bad when I asked him if he knew anything about the delivery, insinuating he would file for D behind my back. And maybe that cast a bad vibe on the entire dinner last night. I tried to be upbeat and think I was okay, but I'm not sure about anything now. This is a HUGE lesson. I'm never done learning and growing. Just when I think I'm doing pretty darn okay, life holds a mirror up to demonstrate how far I have left to go.

Thanks azguy & advina for the support. You're right, my expectations were way off base (again) and I'm not going to get in the middle of H's relationship w/ his kids.

How to repair the mess last night and try to lay a good foundation for day trip this weekend with kids & H??? Is it a good idea to email him & say 'I felt kind of awkward last night and I'm sorry if it brought down the evening'?? Do I just ignore it & try to do better going forward?

My H has expressed so much doubt about our M and I basically showed him last night that he's right, I'll continue to jump to the worst conclusions.

How do I get back on track with H showing my best intentions?

[makingmagic]

WOW.... u got all worried about the registered mail...lol from EBAY... wow, we sure do mindread!((HUGS)) Reb...((HUGS)).. u are stressed out big time huh?

[Verum]

How to repair the mess last night and try to lay a good foundation for day trip this weekend with kids & H??? Is it a good idea to email him & say 'I felt kind of awkward last night and I'm sorry if it brought down the evening'?? Do I just ignore it & try to do better going forward?

How do I get back on track with H showing my best intentions?

Maybe do or say nothing and just have a PMA and be a fun person to be with? Instead of looking back, look forward. He may have viewed it differently than you. In fact, since he was getting the text messages, his perspective is different and he doesn't know what is going on in your mind.

Remember in the DB book where she says how your expectations might set the tone for what will happen? Be positive and happy and maybe you'll have a great weekend.

[reb9597]

SA, it did! it did! My expectations (of getting something bad) did kick me in the pants last night. I'm going to read that chapter again before this weekend.

I read on another thread about the hot/cold aspect of WAH too. Think there's a little of that and I went right to the worst assumption.

Okay lesson learned and moving on. I'll let it sit with H and start working on me again.

[makingmagic]

hmmmph, I always go automatically to the worst assumption... good for you to leave it alone.