It's hard not to have expectations... but I think if we can think rationally, validating our emotions but not letting them control our actions, we can learn to not have them.
For example - you say that the boundaries aren't hard core (implying that it shouldn't be hard for H to respect them - expectation).. but if you had a relationship with your H where there were no boundaries.. EVERY boundary is hard.
My x and I both set NC boundaries for very different reasons, but in the end to protect ourselves and I think deep down each other.. At first it was difficult to accept... but now it's easier. We both actually set new boundaries last week, and I feel fine with it overall.
That took us almost 2 years to learn. First as individuals and I guess now together.
I think we are so willing to give us the time and grace to change - but we tend to forget to do that with WAS. Maybe this is out of pain or fear... actually no maybe's about it - it is.
But in actuality it really should be US who are the most understanding. I mean we spend all this time looking in the mirror, pushing ourselves to grow, understanding the importance of failures and showing grace in them.
How can we NOT understand??
Yet still we struggle to show the same to the WAS. I think if we can push through this stumbling block - that's when we allow the real change happen.
Okay - starting to ramble now.. but if you can see every little thing as a positive step with your H.. not necessarily towards you - but just a positive moment...
you will be able to build upon it. You won't just be telling yourself you are okay - you really will be.
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
