The View from the Blanket III

[bustingout]

NG your post is very relevant to me and my H I believe, in different ways. Its almost as if it was a 'perfect storm' of events that led to the BD...built on repressed shame and feeling of being unworthy.

I would be doing a lot of mind reading if I tried to analyse H too much so I wont go into that, yet I do see how this have resulted in several of his behaviors; those leading up to BD, the death of his father, and his subsequent decisions and actions.

My BD also confirmed my biggest underlying shame and fear. I wonder too if this has resulted in me taking so long to feel unstuck.

I am going to go read your thread to read some more and also look up the talk as well. Thank you NG. My virtual sister....I love you too.


Journal

Past couple of days have been not much to report on the H front. On the GAL front, Val was right...I Galed to exhaustion and last night I fell asleep at 930 pm lol I haven't slept 8 hours straight in years.

I guess the biggest difference is again, I feel different. Not anxious anymore around H. I still need to get better at STFU. It still hurts when he leaves at night. It still suxx that he doesn't see me anymore. I am living though. And I am enjoying the life I have right now. I have no expectations from him. He actually surprises me when he shows signs of respecting me and my boundaries. I dont think they are hard core boundaries. Perhaps because it is different for me to state things in a clam way, he can hear me better than when I was ranting and raving.

This morning when H came I opened my mouth and said lets go have a coffee (Tuesdays I dont need to be a school early so I usually drop the kids off and go back home, and H doesnt go to the office that early on any day). I wanted to bite my tongue. He gave me a look of 'ok'. I didnt say anything again. And we went. We didnt really talk. Had coffee. Some small chit chat about the kids and thats all. I said thank you and left.

I would have considered this a SIGN a few months ago.I would have thanked him profusely and made some comment about how nice it was and probably would have even then asked for him to do something else again.

Now I see it for what it is. A coffee with someone I know.

And I observe. More for me than anything. My behaviours and actions while I figure out what it is that I really want as I navigate through this. I think I can really be ok.