Thank you...i agree....i didn't answer his calls today but he kept calling n calling. I started to worry there was a prob w kids. I am seriously trying to gain strength n go dimmer. Its the pursuit distance thing that drives me insane. I realize i may have to be the one to leave. I think the hardest part is gaining the strength to turn my life n my kids life upside down. He clearly doesn't want to be there so why won't he go?? I offered to sell the house split the assets help him find an apt but he doesn't make any moves.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
MLCers typically don't follow through and take any logical steps what so ever. It is part of the syndrome so again, your experience is very typical.
This is a big part of why detachment is so strongly urged. At least one of the couple needs to be based in reality.
But there are several steps between "as is" and complete "upside down". Begin with dimming. That means limiting contact with H. I totally get the news-about-the-kids thing BUT work around it. Can the kids call you directly? If they're in school, would the school itself be calling you? If you must answer your H's call, be brief and cheerful. As soon as you know the call is not kids related say "ok! Awful busy today, have to run!"
But most importantly, imho, you need to approach your H CALMLY and set some boundaries.
Remembering that boundaries are simply for your protection and benefit NOT to punish or spite the MLCer.
And know too, the boundaries are hard on both of you. Its kind of like telling your child "NO". They need to hear it, but then the child whines, tantrums etc. Your H may do these things too.
It seems you are still engaging the MLC virus/alien. NOT A GOOD IDEA. You need to get to a place of calm.
You being calm will help your children too.
What are your 180's? What are you doing to GAL? Focus on YOU and your kids, make H just a part of the background.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I found them!! Don't know if you've ever read "The Rules" but they are EXCELLENT guidelines.
When I first got here, these were posted to me with the advice to print a few copies, keep one with me at all times, and read them daily.
Now I say the same to you
I bolded some that I thought might help you the most right now. But they are ALL good all the time
Originally Posted By: dbmod
I THINK these were first posted by Sandi2. If not, please let me know and I'll correct.
I do know lots of folks go looking for these:
Quote:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
just reading around and sawyour list. thanks and i retyped it yet again- to have around.
got to the "don't give up" and wonder when i'll know it's time to do just that.
still plugging away- still trying (1.75 yr of dbing). h more pleasant on a daily basis- he still has ow in his life- and God only knows who else- i have surely (almost across the board) learned not to take the bait and to stay calm in conflict sitch. to walk away-
feels like about 100 years today- feels like giving up- am telling myself i can certainly do it one more day.
i know compared to alot of people my h's actions and lack of communication is bettr than alot- it doesn't really help - does it? comparing. it's just my own quagmire to be stuck in.
oh well- thanks for list- good luck to everyone getting un-stuck. glad today i didn't know there might not be such a thing as true love forever and ever til i was 60- instead of when i was young and idealistic. now, what to do with allll that optimism about people and idealism tht is teetering on the bring of the garbage can? one wonders.
Mizjjd...u have been such a big help to me. Even though i don't know u personally i really feel like u r a friend. Thanks for the list. I will study it. Im working on my 180s..i guess i need to start w not reacting to H as the first one. Trying to find myself. Funny...as a teen ager n college student (in Ohio)i was so much fun. Everyone used to tell me i was so much fun to hang out with. Now i can't figure out how i turned into a boring mom with no life outside work n kids. Now that weather is nice going to try n walk everyday to clear my head...that's a start, right?? Also..trying to rejoin a bunco group w some women in my neighborhood. focusing on me n my kids n to fix my financial situation. Going to have much less contact w H. I do believe he only lies to me anyway n its hard to listen to anymore. He really just needs a job.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Mizjjd...u have been such a big help to me. Even though i don't know u personally i really feel like u r a friend. Thanks for the list. I will study it. Im working on my 180s..i guess i need to start w not reacting to H as the first one. Trying to find myself. Funny...as a teen ager n college student (in Ohio)i was so much fun. Everyone used to tell me i was so much fun to hang out with. Now i can't figure out how i turned into a boring mom with no life outside work n kids. Now that weather is nice going to try n walk everyday to clear my head...that's a start, right?? Also..trying to rejoin a bunco group w some women in my neighborhood. focusing on me n my kids n to fix my financial situation. Going to have much less contact w H. I do believe he only lies to me anyway n its hard to listen to anymore. He really just needs a job.
Yay TnD!!
So nice to hear some good news from you.
Walking is a great start. I was going on some EPIC walks after bomb drop and am so glad the weather's getting better so I can start again.
I've heard Bunco is great fun - good for you!! (Remember tho, keep discussions about H to a minimum. They'll really only serve to reinforce your sitch, not help you progress through.)
I hear you on the "I used to be..." (I know I'm not the same as 20 years ago, and I know too I'm not thrilled with who I became. And not all that can be blamed on my H.)
So! Regroup! Take stock! Make goals!
Focus on the Terrific and Dynamic YOU!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
So, after my argument with H last Mon morning he has been more than nice to me. Not sure why bc it is the same argument we have had over and over again but maybe he senses I really am just done. I am still detaching. If he is in one room I go into the other room but never say anything. Yesterday he was all over kissing me and touching me. I didn't react or say anything. My S asked me why daddy is suddenly so interested in me again? Good question. Maybe has something to do with the fact that I havent had sex with him in over a month. Without saying anything to him about why I just casually stopped. Either he is wanting it or catching on that I won't do it if I feel he is with someone else. Either way, come this weekend I'm sure he will be gone again and so as long as he continues to run around there will be no sex or any affection on my part. He told me he wanted a divorce so if he wants more at this point he will have to be the one to work for it. I'm not giving into the craziness anymore. Weather is nice. My kids are very involved with soccer so I get to hang out with the friends I've made on the field with the other "soccer moms". At least that gives me some time out of the house to interact and be social. While I'm trying to find myself this is at least one social outlet. Work has also been keeping me busy. Hopefully that lasts because my company is sold. My H still has no job so if we are both out then we are really screwed. I will never move ahead.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
You are making progress. And you are smart to not give in to the "show" he's putting on right now. He must sense a change in you, and he wants to keep you the "same" so he'll try different behaviors to see what you react to. If you don't react to the affection, he'll turn to other antics.
Take a deep breath and find your center. This is NOT easy but you can do it. Just go one day at a time.
I'm glad you're enjoying soccer mom-dom.
My kids all played when they were younger, and my H coached, and it was just a fantastic time for our family. (H has erased this. Oh, he knows they played soccer, but has no recall of loading the 6 of us in the van and spending day after day in an atmosphere of family togetherness.)
I hope the job sitch turns out ok. Have you considered/started looking around for other options? I didn't have a job when bd. Then the job I did get was awful... then miracle of miracles, I got a GREAT job! Having this GREAT job has made such a difference to me. A change might end up being good for you too.
So very glad to hear a whisper of calm in your posts. Keep up the good hard work.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
i know, rite, here i am fun central- and yet this drip of a mlc, messed up h finds me bad company appae=rently.
how did our charms become soooo obscured? sometimes i wonder if he changed me into his "mother". - and he hates her hasn't spoken to her in 8 yrs or so.
it's kinda sick- don't even know what makes me think it- but do you wonder? do they see us somehow as soooo steady & responsible and THERE THAT WE become invisible & ho hum?
just a thought-
the walking will help a heck of alot- i do and sometimes i stomp out to burn off whatever the evil thoughts/fumes are permeating my being.
Mizjjd...baby steps is right..small backslide on the affection this morning..I know..I just posted yesterday...and you are wondering what willpower I have...I guess not much, but I'm back to no affection, etc again. Plus, its the weekend and that is the worst for me when he is running around. Son has two games far away this weekend and we are doing the MS walk so we have enough to keep me busy and try not to focus on H and his weekend antics. I am starting to look for something else as far as employment goes. This job is going no where. I took it bc I was unemployed but they are not doing well and I can't sit and wait to be unemployed again.
Nero...I absolutely agree. My H doesn't speak to his mom either and I swear he has replaced me with her. The only problem is that I want to be his wife not his mom. Funny how they turn away from their mothers yet look at their wives to replace that role. Then once you are stuck there they want a gf to fulfill the wife needs. Weird...deep breaths!!
I'm sure I will have more to report as the weekend progresses...that is when I feel like I have my weakest moments.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Now I say the same to you