we own a biz - pt 5

[Tallula]

not sure I handled this the best way... this is a typical disagreement, that I get involved in. Please show me how to DB through this text convo.

H: Did you check list today?

M: alls good

H: Even X & Y or do you care

M: I wasn`t looking for them. Did u see any?

H: How would I (H just got a computer, I have been teaching him)

M: cuz I taught u

I would have said: I know we only went over it once the other day, would you like me to show you again?

H: (5 mins later) Done it once....does same apply to you?

M: U ususally remember

I would have just not responded. He was baiting you to fight. If I did, I would have said: Well, you usually remember things after one time. Would you like me to show you again?

M: (11 mins later) Are you mad at me now?

H: (25 mins later) No!

M: I hope not. Because I was complimenting...how I need to be told often, but you typically remember on first lesson. and it doesn`t translate very well in text.

I would have done NONE OF THIS!!!! Just sit on your hands when you want him to validate you or when you feel like asking if he is mad. DON"T DO IT!!!

I know him... He was annoyed when he suggests "do I remember things after being told only once" (I need multiple instructions) and based on the time it took him to answer, as the messages were instant....he was mad. Same ol h! I was trying not to get pulled into an arguement.... did I db?

Mindreading, analyzing waaaaay too much with the time between texts. My H does that to me all the time now. "It took you 10 minutes between texts, are you mad?" No, I was in fact, wiping your 2 year old's butt and then we sang twinkle twinkle...

We don't really know what is in our spouses minds, what they are doing. We just think we do.

You did well up to: I wasn't looking for them. Did you see any? Even the I taught you was ok.

[makingmagic]

Tx Tallula... I know he was baiting me.... and I just didn't know how to get out of it. Which is why I asked if he was mad, putting it back onto him and then suggesting he shouldn't be as it was meant as a compliment. He ended up calling shortly after and was quite nice...again. Work convo. No mention of the above other than did I want to buy X?

Pass/fail? ... LOL

[JuneReN]

I get the "are we not good" if I take too long to reply as well!! When I reply it is with an "LOL, phone was, I was...etc" and answer question. This is the truth, because if I have phone, I answer text if not busy.

That was a bit petulant on H's part "do you care?" He was itching for a retort and I think you did pretty good up until the "you mad at me" When you said "u usually remember" you could have said also "Jealous, because it takes me 1,000 times lol" and made it light. Texts can get misinterpreted. So if you meant it as a compliment say so. He does not have tone to go on....

[Tallula]

Tx Tallula... I know he was baiting me.... and I just didn't know how to get out of it. Which is why I asked if he was mad, putting it back onto him and then suggesting he shouldn't be as it was meant as a compliment. He ended up calling shortly after and was quite nice...again. Work convo. No mention of the above other than did I want to buy X?

Pass/fail? ... LOL

Ok, I was once just like you. Telling my H what he should or shouldn't feel. You H has every right to get mad at you for absolutely nothing if he so chooses. If my H misunderstands me (which happends DAILY), gets mad and sulks or ignores me...oh well. Now if he asks me later, which is he does now since I just let him be mad, I will say..."Um, I was joking." He'll go. "OMG, I totally read that text wrong. I'm a jerk."

Pass/fail: I'm just going to say, that is what you need to change. You need for him to always understand your intent. He sees you through anger and resentment filled eyes. The more you react to it, the more he will still feel the same. Once I just let H be mad, and only "make things clear" when he would approach me about it, did he start to see that it was him who was reading the wrong things into my words. I would never have gotten him to see that.

Does this make sense to you?

[scaredsilly]

"H: Even X & Y or do you care"

This is where I would have shut it down by expressing my needs:

H, I don't like it when you or anyone else uses sarcasm with me. It hurts my feelings and feels like hostility and abuse to me. I don't want it in my life.

[makingmagic]

ohhhh good come back Inside... I wish I could have said "takes me 1000 times" that would have totally lightened it up. I meant it as a reminder/compliment.. that he goes around being "right and never needing to be retold". I was kinda trying to stick it back at him.

I think I did...ok... but, want to do way better. Texts usually get misinterpreted, which is why I decided to text back again, after ... are you mad.

[scaredsilly]

Are you mad is a codependent question.

[scaredsilly]

Are you looking for "come backs" or a happier relationship?

[makingmagic]

asking him if he was mad, was directed at the fact that he was being silly, as I was complimenting him. Had I left it alone at that point... he would feel justified in pointing out that I need to be reminded 1000 times. I think I did way better than I normally would have, but a long way to go yet. Normally, I would have called back to see if he was mad and offered apologies for who knows what.

since then, he has called 2 times, and is quite nice.

[makingmagic]

I am wanting a happier relationship, one where I am not walking on egg shells & he respects me too.