Time to roll up the sleeves

[mrtwopointfour]

If you feel totally on edge waiting for this, you would not be a lot of fun, would you? What do you suggest to diffuse this back and forth? She is getting some sort of reinforcement from it or it wouldn't continue. Perhaps she is making you feel bad, sad and angry enough that your emotions leak through (ie no fun no jokes and that is enough for her?)

Hi IO, This is a great set of questions. Let me try and explain what I think, bear with me it takes us back a bit to the start of our R.

My W has always been hot headed and quick to fire up about things. This is something that I found appealing when I met her and in the first stages of our relationship it was fun. We had no stress, no kids, no money problems, it was all much more relaxed and I could handle these little picky episodes. As time moved on W has also had lots of stresses through our R and M, which has made her depressed or upset, something I would always pull her out of and be there for her to deal with. She always appreciated this and I think this was something that kept us close. (W family has depression problems, not major, just there in the background)

Fast forward a few years. Kids, Illness, Deaths in family, Loss of job, Debt. You get the picture, much more stress, much more depressing day to day life, many more things to get worked up about. I became more stressed too, something I never suffered from before.

W has not changed her ways that much, but now I am not able to handle it so well, I am also not so available and dedicated to being there for her depressive times, and this really is the time she needed me.

So how does it work now.

W gets annoyed about something, I react. Maybe my walking away, or sulking or biting back. But its not fun anymore. There is now an atmosphere.

W gets upset about something, I tell her it will be fine. Lets do or buy something to make it better. So again, not there for her like I was.

I guess the point I am getting at is, stresses and annoyances in life have taken the fun away, taken the relaxed atmosphere away. W now feels trapped in a miserable and gloomy M. One where she is being made to exist with a person that she feels is causing all of this pain and unhappiness. So how does she let me know this, not by telling me this, but by picking fault in everything i do. And this is where the vicious circle begins, one which has pushed it to this point.

Moving to the current sitch. I think W has gotten so used to picking fault that she now sees me as useless, and has lost respect for me. Like I mentioned, things that do not warrant comments, W will comment on. Because she thinks I am just an annoyance in her life, getting in her way, holding her back from being happy. I am doing nothing different to 15 years ago, but now she can not tolerate it. And through being like this, I can no longer tolerate her.

Its something i really need to work on. I need to be fun again, need to be laid back. People always used to comment how I was so laid back I was horizontal at the start of our R. I don't want to be like that again, I want to be confident, fun, but relaxed. Stand up for myself, be assertive, but also accept errors I make and ensure i don't dwell on them, apologise and correct.

I am not sure I have answered the questions to be honest, but its been good to write all this down!

[Mach1]

Strange, most my dreams lately involve Kate Upton, a purple unicorn, bigfoot, and KITT (the car for you youngsters). Let your imaginations run with that for a minute...

Okay, I GET the Kate Upton, Purple Unicorn, and Bigfoot...

But KITT ???

Really ???

Look, if I am riding around with Kate, a Unicorn, and Bigfoot...

I don't wanna ride around in a car with black windows that nobody can see into...

Plus, KITT has been stolen at least once from what I remember..

I wanna ride around in something that I can be seen in, and is impenetrable...

Something like...


The Popemobile ...


I can be seen, and nobody is getting to Kate, the Unicorn, or Bigfoot through that thing....

[mrtwopointfour]

Goal #10

Install larger Hot Water heater tank...

Hi Mach1 - Sorry i was trying to work this one out last night and then fell asleep! Do you think I have set too many goals?

[JuneReN]

[quote]Goal #10

Install larger Hot Water heater tank...

Maybe he is tired?

[JuneReN]

On the FB DB site , Michele posted something about how the qualities we looked for and were so wonderful in the beginning are not, maybe what we want now. But that change can happen.

I am not really sure how you should go forward with this. On the one hand,W seems to need a lot of support from you and has come to rely, it seems, on you to snap her out of her moods. But going back to that didn't really work, since you are here, even though you profess to stuff (oh ya...LIFE) getting in the way.

How about ignoring the petty things, letting her work through her own depressive thoughts and being the fun guy elsewhere? What can you suggest in terms of where you can let her see that you are the fun great guy, but by not responding to picky ways, you are not further validating the actions?

[mrtwopointfour]

Just a quick thought. I have not been asking wife about her day, if she is okay etc because as I understood this was not a good idea as part of DR. However I think I have the wrong end of the stick. Is it that I should not ask how she is feeling, what her thoughts are etc?

I think by asking my wife how her day was etc I would actually be doing 180, because before in my M I probably never gave time for this kind of chat. Should I give it a go and if i get a frosty response back off?

[adinva]

Yes, try it, and if it works do more of it. Best is to mirror her. If she comes forward to you be that much forward to her and be the first to detach and end the interaction. If you ask how her day was and she responds, that's good, but don't push for more than that, just be pleasant and ask follow up questions, and then detach and move along to some other activity. keep it light and non-pressuring. If she's pleasant to you, act content, if she's unpleasant, act content, don't let her mood or reaction spark a mood or reaction in you. Be like an anthropologist, who wouldn't take his subject's data personally.

[JuneReN]

^^^ It is kind of a dance...:) Two steps forward, one step back (or sometimes two or three, but ya can't win em all)

[mrtwopointfour]

How about ignoring the petty things, letting her work through her own depressive thoughts and being the fun guy elsewhere? What can you suggest in terms of where you can let her see that you are the fun great guy, but by not responding to picky ways, you are not further validating the actions?

Hmm, interesting I was actually thinking earlier that I need to be the one that she needs rather than coming across as the one that needs her. This is not what you are saying, but if i become the rock in our family, happy, funny and relaxed - i think this approach could work because she does need somebody to help her through this, to be there when she needs them to be, and take over with the kids etc when she is not feeling happy. At the moment if I am acting a little down or needy she will not be pulled towards me at all.

[mrtwopointfour]

Yes, try it, and if it works do more of it. Best is to mirror her. If she comes forward to you be that much forward to her and be the first to detach and end the interaction. If you ask how her day was and she responds, that's good, but don't push for more than that, just be pleasant and ask follow up questions, and then detach and move along to some other activity. keep it light and non-pressuring. If she's pleasant to you, act content, if she's unpleasant, act content, don't let her mood or reaction spark a mood or reaction in you. Be like an anthropologist, who wouldn't take his subject's data personally.

I'm going to give it a go for a few weeks and see how it works out.