DBing, European style

[Papa4Life]

Hi Sandi. Thanks for the reality check.

Well, I hope you're right, but it's probably b/c she just wants you to be okay with what she wants......which is a D.

Sadly I think this is indeed what she wants.

I read where a lot of H's mistake his W's "niceness"as some level of caring....or even loving him. Don't even go there. It will get you more messed up than you already are. Don't take this type of action from her as meaning anything more than what it seems on the surface.

Well... I wouldn't exactly go so far as to say that she's being "nice". I just thought maybe it was a baby step in the right direction, not a complete turnaround.

Of course you have stronger feelings for her now more than any other point in the R! That seems to be common place when you are scared your S is leaving you. Your feelings didn't jump into high gear due to how loving your W has been to you, but rather out of fear of losing her.

Or perhaps the realization of what I would be losing? And the devastating impact it would have on our four children? Not that W can't rationalize all of this away, but these are still very valid reasons for me to try to "win her back".

I know you're trying hard......in what you see as winning her back, but you are doing things FOR her and you are EXPECTING something in return. That's not DBing. Plus, she won't respect you but will take advantage instead. And that's exactly what happened.

She has long claimed that she has taken on a disproportionate amount of the responsibility for the household. So my first 180 was to change that pattern. I thought that would help her realize that I was serious about laying the groundwork for a happy partnership. But now that you mention it, she has suggested that this hasn't been a substantial enough change. But it's all I had to work with. And if doing a 180 isn't DBing, then what have I missed?

I strongly suggest you get your focus off her and what all you can do that will cause her to feel and act differently. And face it...that is exactly what you were doing. I have never seen it work out when a man tried it that way. If you persist, you will be getting more hurt headed your way.

Agreed. Now what? Maybe leave things for her here and there.

So, stop trying to make brownie points with her and just focus on you. You are doi g nearly everything for the kids and housework to free her up. Why not leave the kids with her while you go out? I know, you were trying to give her space, but she just want space from you...so leave the kids with her to cook for for them and whatever is required while you have a day, night, or weekend away.

She has already spotted you for a tail kisser, so you've got to step way, way back from that, so, GAL, and start being the man you will be with or without her. But, never have expectations of what she will think or do in response to how you live your life, and if you do her any favors, do not set yourself up for disappointment/anger by having any expectation.

Interesting that you mention the idea of getting away for a weekend. A friend of mine (back in the States, no chance he'll ever meet W), said the same thing to me recently. And I do know that one of the main drawbacks of a D as she sees it is how it will impact her career. Plus, MIL recently suffered a heart infarction and has made it clear that she will be less available to look after the kids when she has an appointment or when she wants to work on the day she's usually at home. Perhaps I'll start to look around for a weekend seminar I can attend. That would be great.

And it does get me slightly miffed when W objects that I'm going out, even though most of the time I have cooked dinner, cleaned the house and washed the dishes before I leave, whereas she leaves directly from work, or when she visits friends overnight or goes to her course for three days and two nights, and I'm left to deal with everything on my own.

So, in short, I guess what you're saying, Sandi, is what I've been telling people on this BB when I thought they needed to hear it, and that is: man up and GAL! Does that sum it up right?