Time to roll up the sleeves

[mrtwopointfour]

If you feel totally on edge waiting for this, you would not be a lot of fun, would you? What do you suggest to diffuse this back and forth? She is getting some sort of reinforcement from it or it wouldn't continue. Perhaps she is making you feel bad, sad and angry enough that your emotions leak through (ie no fun no jokes and that is enough for her?)

Hi IO, This is a great set of questions. Let me try and explain what I think, bear with me it takes us back a bit to the start of our R.

My W has always been hot headed and quick to fire up about things. This is something that I found appealing when I met her and in the first stages of our relationship it was fun. We had no stress, no kids, no money problems, it was all much more relaxed and I could handle these little picky episodes. As time moved on W has also had lots of stresses through our R and M, which has made her depressed or upset, something I would always pull her out of and be there for her to deal with. She always appreciated this and I think this was something that kept us close. (W family has depression problems, not major, just there in the background)

Fast forward a few years. Kids, Illness, Deaths in family, Loss of job, Debt. You get the picture, much more stress, much more depressing day to day life, many more things to get worked up about. I became more stressed too, something I never suffered from before.

W has not changed her ways that much, but now I am not able to handle it so well, I am also not so available and dedicated to being there for her depressive times, and this really is the time she needed me.

So how does it work now.

W gets annoyed about something, I react. Maybe my walking away, or sulking or biting back. But its not fun anymore. There is now an atmosphere.

W gets upset about something, I tell her it will be fine. Lets do or buy something to make it better. So again, not there for her like I was.

I guess the point I am getting at is, stresses and annoyances in life have taken the fun away, taken the relaxed atmosphere away. W now feels trapped in a miserable and gloomy M. One where she is being made to exist with a person that she feels is causing all of this pain and unhappiness. So how does she let me know this, not by telling me this, but by picking fault in everything i do. And this is where the vicious circle begins, one which has pushed it to this point.

Moving to the current sitch. I think W has gotten so used to picking fault that she now sees me as useless, and has lost respect for me. Like I mentioned, things that do not warrant comments, W will comment on. Because she thinks I am just an annoyance in her life, getting in her way, holding her back from being happy. I am doing nothing different to 15 years ago, but now she can not tolerate it. And through being like this, I can no longer tolerate her.

Its something i really need to work on. I need to be fun again, need to be laid back. People always used to comment how I was so laid back I was horizontal at the start of our R. I don't want to be like that again, I want to be confident, fun, but relaxed. Stand up for myself, be assertive, but also accept errors I make and ensure i don't dwell on them, apologise and correct.

I am not sure I have answered the questions to be honest, but its been good to write all this down!