Losing Hope

[Shiss]

Help! H came by today unannounced. Had to get something out of the garage, so why did he come in the house??? He said his life is in shambles cries every night. I asked him this: "are you divorcing me?" He said "I haven't done anything yet." Tells me he came in to see the dogs and I said you need to prepare to not see them again once this is final. He asked if I was threatening him, I said no, but we already discussed I would have custody if he wants the D, WTH?? Tells me 5 days ago he wants a D and now says he hasn't done anything yet???

Advice please!

[adinva]

If you're hoping he'll hurry up and get on with it, keep temperature checking and pressuring.

If you are glad to hear that he hasn't done anything yet, then be patient. This takes time. It's time that you can focus on your own issues.

Also, some people who divorce work out visitation for their pets, since pets can be more like part of the family than property. That might be worth considering. The last thing I'd think you would want is for your H to decide not to D you only because he still wants to be able to see the dogs.

[Shiss]

Thanks Advina I backslid today with that question. Thank you for helping me see that. Should I continue no contact and let him come to me?

[makingmagic]

Shiss... I think the answer to your question is ... "ALWAYS", but I understand your need to ask & be assured.

((HUGS))

[Shiss]

Thank you WFM I certainly need assurance right now. Thank you for all the support. ((Hugs!))

[Shiss]

Saw my IC today, he said to continue to not contact, let H initiate contact. Also said that I need to try to be more pleasant when he comes over to the house instead of acting distant and busy. Thoughts? I thought I was pleasant yesterday, but was distant and I didn't ask any questions, I let him lead the conversation, validated and responded.

[JuneReN]

Hi Shiss, thanks for dropping by my thread. Read very very carefully what everyone has said. In my case, being dark, being no contact would not work , simply because I pulled that crap in the marriage. When he contacts you, yes be pleasant and no, no questions.

And the dog comment??? Yikes...How about "They miss you. Would you like to set up a schedule where you can see them and take them for a walk?" Chances are, he invites you on walk. If you think you can keep mouth zipped, by all means go. If not simply say, "I was just doing/going blah blah, but thank you Always And have a real activity planned if necessary. It will help with GAL anyway

Your H is not done by a long shot. He is looking to you to change. it's been ten years (this time frame will shift in all conversations by the way) for him and you are done after 12 days??

Give the boy an break...if he is what you want

[Shiss]

Oh Inside Out how you make me feel sheepish . You're right, everyone is right! I gotta knock this crap off and re-read DR and start with a beginners mind. I wish Bond, Sandi, AS or Cadet would ream me right now! Lol. Thanks, I needed a reality check

[JuneReN]

DR often advocates these because when BD happens, we do tend to fall back on either the begging and pleading or the typical behaviours that defined our relationships and caused the problems in the first place.

Your H has to trust your changes this time around. It's been 7 months and H still doesn't trust mine. We are separated, he has a GF, whom he says he is serious about. I said that I would want him to be happy, but he is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. So, even though a couple times the old IO emerged I have been on this new 180 course fairly steadily. But he still doesn't believe-even though he will remark how much I have changed. It takes a long time for the belief to settle in.

In the end, DBing, you do what works for you.

[Shiss]

Vets or anyone out there that's been with this along time, if you could take back any of your actions in the first 30 days after BD, what would those actions be?