Letting Go & Moving Forward

[littleGTO]

Okay, so I had a hard day today. It was a beautiful Spring day here & normally I would have been in such a good mood but I was thinking of my MIL (who passed last August) & how she loved Spring so much. It made me sad.

Part of me feels that because of my M sitch I haven't focused on grieving her like I need to.

When I got home & eventually crossed paths w H when he brought home one of the boys he let me know he opened his own checking and savings accounts today. I knew this was coming, yet when he told me it felt like a new wound.

I couldn't even look at him. He came over to hug me as he was leaving (a very short time after he told me) and I just asked, "Why are you doing this to us?" He said, "I feel like I have no choice."

I replied "You have every choice." I left the room as he was walking out the door (he knew I was upset). I just couldn't help it.

Later our paths crossed again via the boys' activities and he said he wanted to call me but S9 was in his truck & he couldn't.

At boys' bedtime S11 calls to say prayers w H & I (I know a little strange, but it is his new habit) & he wanted to talk to me about the schedule & I told S11 I didn't want to talk to H. In fact I had him do prayers alone w his dad as I was in a bad place.

The whole dividing finances just feels like such a HUGE step toward the end of our M. Maybe it is over. I can't really think of too much that is left.

He is "with OW" emotionally- loves her, blah, blah, blah for over a year now. He has moved out for 5 months and "has no intention of moving back." He is happy "talking w OW," and is not willing to "give her up." He is happier with his own time and space.

He talks about this summer like we will continue to be apart. He says he has "no plans" but he is not coming back.

It will be a year in June since BD but since last Dec/Jan when his EA started w OW (and they were hanging out daily probably 4-5 months before that). So, the question I ask myself is how long do I feel I can continue to be M to someone who doesn't love me or plan to share my life w me.

Sorry, I'm just having a rough night. Not a good DBing night either.