Something that is becoming more apparent to me is how two things have been consistent over the last few years in our R.
1 - W has been very picky about everything. I often stop and think to myself, would i bother picking up on something like that. This is quite telling, she must have been slowly getting more an more unhappy and finding reason to start finding fault. We are talking tiny things at times like, leaving something in the wrong place. Rather than moving it like I would, W makes the effort to point it out in a very patronising way.
2 - Less fun. Because of the above, I feel on edge and the atmosphere is not great. I am not so happy, maybe a little stressed. So I don't make jokes, have fun, even a joke by W is taken the wrong way by me. So the fun is not there any more. Its an unhappy household.
In turn, this makes W feel unhappy and she probably goes back to point 1 and starts being more picky. See where I am going with this?
Ya. When I was unhappy with myself, I used to do the same. Find fault with all the little things so I could bring others into my unhappiness. Then H would say something and then he could be at fault. Vicious little circle.
If you feel totally on edge waiting for this, you would not be a lot of fun, would you? What do you suggest to diffuse this back and forth? She is getting some sort of reinforcement from it or it wouldn't continue. Perhaps she is making you feel bad, sad and angry enough that your emotions leak through (ie no fun no jokes and that is enough for her?)
My bet is if you can change this dynamic, she will head to 1 less and less.
No one does something over and over unless there is a payoff. What is her payoff here?
