Bomb dropped on me last week

[JMax]

Yes, she has said many times that we had the perfect marriage. Last year when the depression began, I told her I was unhappy with our marriage - that blindsided her. It wasn't even true, really. I just wished we spent more time together - she generally prefers to have lots of other people around.

During depression, I lacked self confidence, couldn't think, and couldn't make decisions. A couple routine, 15 minute tasks would take me all day. It is hard to explain, other than my mind was busy racing with other thoughts - trying to figure myself out, I guess. I am currently sending out lots of resumes and am trying my best to find a job. I also applied for an advanced degree program today. On the one hand, it's more student loans, on the other, with income based repayment, I will likely not notice a difference in the additional loan amount. Besides, it's what I want to do, it makes me more employable, and it will only take one additional semester for me to complete.

I feel like my personality is back, but that isn't to say that I don't have room for lots of improvement. I have improved in lots of areas already. This past year has made me much more empathetic for other people's lot in life, and I am much more expressive of my own feelings.

The student loan freakout began just prior to separation. It isn't that big a deal, I have them deferred, and with income based repayment, it isn't that large of a financial burden.

I do feel like I am appearing to abandon, but on the other hand, she told me that if I didn't leave, she would file immediately. I am between a rock and a hard place there.

She feels that me being gone allows her to concentrate fully on her work. It is the path of least resistance for her. She is unwilling to allow me to come back, she says ILYBNILWY, too. She did say she would be open to reconciling after divorce, but was adamant that she didn't want to stay separated for a few months to see how things go. She was really emotionally upset at the time. At one time, I felt that filing for divorce was the point of no return (she has known this for many years). I'm not so sure now because I never really thought I would be in this situation. Now that I am, I am willing to say that it's unknown what I would do if she were to file. That's the best I can do.

I have been following the 37 rules pretty scrupulously for the past couple weeks. I will be this way until I get frustrated enough to where I just move along. My 180's are for myself, so I guess that in a way, I have already moved along, to an extent. She won't be happy to learn I am considering going back to school, but I have to do what's right for me.

For us, never arguing was good. We are sooo similar. When there is a difference of opinion, one or the other of us lets the other have their way - then next time the other one gets their way. It's worked for us for a long time.

You are right, she is very very tormented to get to a place where she wants a divorce rather than trying to work things out. That is night and day different for her. Our kids are everything to us, she would never decide to divorce without carefully considering it.

I feel like I need to tell her I lied so that I can start respecting myself again. It might also show her that I am improving. At the next counselor meeting I'm just going to validate to the extent possible. I am not using depression as a convenient excuse, I take full responsibility for my actions and the hurt they caused. I just want to put our lives back together.

If she gives me the time to prove myself to her, she will see. If she doesn't, I guess someone else will get that opportunity.