good to hear from you. you poor kid- you sure get your share of dark rantings don't you? i don't know how you cope- it's sooo sad what these guys are/become/want to be-
i wish we could visit in person too- it'd be interesting and i'm thinking you're rite- we'd laugh quite alot. if i could even laugh about it (tho, at home alone it's rather tragic) somehow i manage to see the jerky side too and laugh. it's something... i read that even forcing yourself to laugh makes you get benefit of the hormones or whatever we make.
God knows i can use them - this gloom and doom and tragedy is getting on my nerves. i miss laughing at my neices baby.
geeeeez - so here's me- la de dah doh de doh- thinking throughout my life that most of all of "it" doesn't really matter. if my h was a jerk about something- or had a wierd quirk- i'd just think, oh well, in for a penny - in for a pound and get used to it. whatever- nothing seemed all that important. i honestly wonder if just being accepting and undemanding is that bad a flaw. oh well huh?
wierdly this guy - this lifestyle - this ow crappola - just not something i can "get used to". how he could think it- i do not know. i know so far i have not delivered ultimatum.
my own unpreparedness. guess he's just helping me detach and get to truly dislike him -
he's offered to call my mother once a day- no one in the family even will do it. i know it's easier when it's not your own mother giving you grief- but wtf??? some days i hate them both and think they're perfect for each other. self-involved before anyone else in the universe -
somehow he figures all of life and a r is separate somehow from sex and affection. man oh man- what a deluded jacka$$ he is- he is trying to convince himself he's not nuts and is not a real $hit. oh well- i guess whatever keeps him in his own little world longer.
i've had a wierdie-pie day. sent out a few resumes - keep not remembering what day it is- then i think i'm getting as nuts as my mother- GEeez- this dementia/alsheimers is soooo scary- . i am so the wrong person to be a nursemaid. i think i have everything myself. when our lawfirm did alot of malpractice litigation- I began thinking i had all the symptoms i read about - cripes!!!
i need a job doing something happy with happy information involved. should be an interesting challenge to make that happen.
so- you sound pretty good today actually. i'm glad of it- how's your cold? i like th epuppy picture. makes me want to get a puppy- but i need to figure out what the heck i'm doing with my life before i drag some poor dog down with me.
it's a shame your h feels so short changed by life. well, i can sure understand it when you feel all your hard work does not pay off (look at you and I - investment of love and caring and doing for years and years only to have it ground into the turf) wtf??? does that count too?
wonder if growing up a woman- working, right out of school and being intimately aware of how second class citizens women are- is our strength. we can endure because we're used to it- the not-s0=just society we live in. a bit more than guys who think they must succeed or be zero.
this ego thing is a problem. oh well- now that i'm here- i don't even care to ramble round about it- i'm tired of it all today- picked up the phone a couple times to say i'm done- didn't tho. why do i stop myself? don't really know. no job mostly i guess. i'll hate the lonliness- i'm lonely as hell tonite- just f'ing tired to the bone of being alone.
it's a darn shame we can't rub a bottle , get a genie and just ask for whatever we want- perfect life and companion comes to mind. guess it's a waiting game in life anyway- so why stress and rush? it all comes in it's own time anyway doesn't it.?/
i can remember times when i was dying for some solitude. i wonder now if i did this to myself - in part? well, how much of this i did to myself? it's the darn computer- instant access. it was the beginning of the end- his total addiction to it.
oh well- i'm outta here. maybe there's a british comedy on or something worth watching on public tv. maybe i should bite the bullet and find a small dog i can lug wherever i go. maybe i'll never go there or be welcome in my life down there again- so it won't be an issue
who can know? i do not like feeling powerless - even if i'm just laying in wait for my moment- ducks to be in a row before i do anything exotic.
oh well again- i'm allover the place tonite- cheers dearie (a bit of baily's with ice) - lonely girl signing off
