check out the piecing forum for another great post by scaredsilly in her thread.
before my week gets crazy, i wanted to post more from brene brown on shame resilience. (I have posted some of what i have been learning about shame on busting's thread.)
in order to build shame resilience research shows the following:
1) learn to recognize and know what caused it. best way is physiologically, it feels in the body like fight/flight survival response (don't i know that??? this came up for me in almost all interactions w/ X) brene said that this is the same as trauma response or when we see a truck headed for us on the freeway...
she said to recognize it in our body and to get away from other people until we calm down (no talk, text, etc...) and learn to understand your triggers. (shame is "I am bad, unworthy, unloveable, etc." versus guilt which is focused on behavior "What i did was wrong")
2. build awareness by reality testing the messages and expectations that fuel shame. ex. the "good" girl who wants to please everyone, perfectionism (she says that shame is the birthplace of perfectionism, we think that if we do things perfectly we can avoid shame, blame and criticism)
3. you have to reach out and tell your story. shame thrives on secrecy/silence. having others in our lives that can provide empathy, tell us that we are not alone (in our feelings, behaviors) and that we made a mistake, which helps enable us to make amends. this helps us form deeper connections with others. (why this board is so valuable)
4. talk to ourselves in the ways we would talk to someone we love. she says that this is a PRACTICE and feels awkward and corny at first. A rule in her house is no name calling, even yourself. she asks her children "What's another way to say that?" so instead of saying "I am stupid" during homework they move toward saying that something is challenging.
she was quoted as saying that "loving and accepting ourselves is an act of courage" she said that the root of courage, cur in latin, means heart and that the english definition of courage is to tell your story with all your heart.
and she said that we only have 2 choices in life: to walk into and own our story (the good and bad parts and we love ourselves in the process) or to spend our lives on the outside of our story hustling for our worthiness.
she ended up saying that this leads to surrounding ourselves with the people who love us not despite our imperfections but because of them.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
