Mizjjd...thank you so much. I realize I mainly sound like I am whining a broken record. I hear everyone, acknowledge the suggestions and then continue to do the same stuff and get the same results. I find this to be such a challenge.
TnD, you are very very welcome. And nobody gets this stuff right all the time every time. It does get easier with the passage of time and with detachment. You can't control time, but you can control your detachment. So even if its baby steps, and sometimes you slip, KEEP WORKING toward that goal. This IS a challenge. Hardest thing I've ever done anyway.
Originally Posted By: tiredndrained
At this point I am just coming to the conclusion that the marriage is broken and can't see it being fixed. There is no trust which is a huge problem. Just last night he showered and shaved at 9PM and I fell asleep. When I woke at 11PM he was gone. I assumed out on a date since who shaves at 9PM? I called and he didn't respond and got so angry and then he came home a few hours later with groceries. There is just no trust there. Even if you stand and wait for the H to return, how does one find the trust they used to have again? It is so difficult.
Boy do I hear you on the trust issue. Don't know if you've read my sitch. My H has an old gf who looked him up on fb and they started exchanging pornographic emails. I found them in Aug of last year and the you-know-what hit the fan. So H started hiding their communications. Found them again. Hid them again. Found them again. Each time I asked H to stop, and he would tell me that it was "just words" and it "made him feel good" and he wasn't going to stop. After I think the 2nd discovery I started asking H to leave. He won't go. After the final discovery and request for him to leave, H astounded me. He didn't do what I wanted, but he compromised. He wrote ow an email telling her that future communications needed to NOT include how she "needs loves and aches for him". That from now on I would be privy to their communications.
Well I was SHOCKED. This was a HUGE concession on the part of H. BUT, do I believe it??? Not entirely. But then I think, if I don't trust just a tiny bit, what exactly do I expect my H to do? So I haven't told him that I'm skeptical. His concession hasn't "fixed" our marriage. But it did help me evict the ow from my mind. It makes my M bearable for today, and that's about all that can be hoped for atm. As for the long term? I don't know. I don't even think about it too much. I know H isn't what/who I want to spend another 21 years with "as is". Will he ever be? Who knows. I certainly can't predict the future.
Originally Posted By: tiredndrained
I am seriously going back to detaching.
YAY!! Your next couple of paragraphs are classic MLC script. I think of MLC as a virus, some think of it as an alien possessor/body snatcher. Whatever it is, tune it out. IF you can listen calmly, then do so. If he gets vile and nasty, if its too painful then quietly excuse yourself. Don't argue. You don't have to agree with the virus when it says crazy things, just don't argue. Try "I never knew you felt that way." or similar phrases.
Originally Posted By: tiredndrained
There is so much damage and our marriage is in shambles. He wants out but never goes. He hates the house but never moves out. He says one thing and then does another. He acts like he hates me and then cuddles in bed with me. It is exhausting. Most everyone I know tell me I'm crazy and to kick him out. I don't know why I haven't. I guess I always hold out hope he will wake up and realize what he has but that never really happens. I feel like I am a fool and most days embarrassed that I have held in there this long for someone that clearly is not interested in holding together our marriage.
TnD, your marriage is over. My marriage is over. Even if there is a reconciliation, the second half our marriages will be NEW, not a continuation. MLC changes both partners, and it changes the marriage too. That's what detachment is for. Think of your marriage right now as "in transition". Transition to what? Time will tell.
I totally understand the "feeling like a fool". Remember the "for better or worse"? Well, this would be the worse. As far as "everyone you know"... umm, it would be best if you DON'T tell everyone you know. Actually, tell practically no one, particularly if they can't support you and your marriage. You can't un-tell these people, but stop giving them updates. If they ask just vaguely tell them you are "working on it" or some such thing. Come here to share your updates. Only YOU can decide if you're done standing, not your friends or even your family. This is hard enough without having people tell you you're crazy.
I agree with your IC, you def do NOT have control over anything but you. So TAKE control. What are some of your goals/180s/GAL? What have you done in the last 24 hours JUST FOR YOU? What will you do FOR YOU tomorrow?
These don't have to be big things. They do have to be 100% FOR YOU. NOT because H wants it. NOT because you think it will result in H suddenly "waking up" from his MLC.
I, for example, am sitting at the table listening to some awesome 80's pop music (I love music!! H doesn't so much, with him its always the TV) and have painted my nails "Rich Raspberry".
And, next time he leaves, come here and vent. DON'T call him! When he returns, be busy, be gone, be asleep. Be Terrific and Delightful
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Today is a bad day. Things seem to be moving backwards again. On the uphill of the rollercoaster. H out all night Thursday. I tried but couldn't hold back from arguing. H ANGRY says he tired of being accused n w his friend having. Few beers...except he came in at 5am...whatever...no all night bars by our house. Fri H met me for lunch. Nice all day. Called me bc he looking at furniture for his theater room he making. Forget that the plan is he wants to leave. Then Fri took S to soccer n typical H leaves as soon as we gone. Get text from him at 7:10 Am apologizing saying he passed out last night n was on his way home. No mention of where he was or who he is with. Then he doesn't come home for three more hrs. Comes in and immediately asks if he can take my car bc he knows i need tires n he wants to get them for me. I assume this is to avoid the where have u been all night argument. What H dies not know is im done arguing. Im not saying anything. I can't do it anymore. He takes my car then comes home all sweet n nice. Tells me how he upgraded my tires etc. Before i could get up from my seat he was gone again no explanation. Found a garbage bag from his car w movie stub tickets in it crumbled from Jan. For an adult n child. I looked up movie..horror flick. I know my kids definitely hate that n didnt go. Plus only one kids ticket n he would take my boys together. So.its all coming together he still w same OW. She has son same age as mine. He denies it but there is too much evidence pointing in that direction. He got in car accident in her area..the receipts from the supermarket by her house...etc. trying to keep calm n not react. Not going to say anything. I know this really isn't healthy n gone on too long. He can't have his family...my friendship n a secret life w an OW on the side. Its so overwhelming trying to make a plan to move forward. I don't think this is good for us. My H has no family i still can't figure out why u he would do this to us when he has no one else. I can only assume he is so unhappy he means it when he says he wants to leave.
Nice weather today. Took kids to soccer. H didn't go. I figure that he is the only one that loses when he doesn't take time for his kids. Hasn't been home much. I assume he busy w OW. Im not sure if its the nice weather or im just feeling better but im completely not paying attention to him n what he doing. He told kids to invite friends over to watch wrestlemania n he didn't bother to show to watch w them. Stuck me w task of cleaning house n dealing w a house full of wild boys. Not sure why he pushed so hard for them to watch it when he wasn't even coming home. Im biting my time at this point. I don't see a future. I just setting small goals for myself til my own bd when i say goodbye. I've noticed alto of posters say their H act like their best friends. My H does the same... find it so crazy to think he wants to be my friend n yet can do all this stuff to hurt me. Not sure what goes through their heads.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Tnd- funny isn't it. My H has been pretty much the same way...I am not trying to hurt you, I care for you deeply, I want what is best for everybody, my door is always open if you want to talk, etc, etc, but hurt and pain is caused by every other sentence and his actions. I pretty much understand where you are coming from regarding bomb drop...I feel the same way and that I might have my own soon...but yet, I am still Standing today....
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Wow BRNR...just noticed our dates are almo st the same...i found out bout OW on same day. Im still standing too but really starting to lose my patience. I really am coming to the conclusion that nothing will get better til i get strong enough to just leave. Im still mad bout the wrestling thing tonight. My kids don't even like that stuff they were doing it for him. I don't even know my H anymore...i blows my mind that i can live w the same man for 18 yrs n one day wake up w a total stranger. I refuse to argue w him one more day about his behavior.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Yep TND, that is why I was drawn to your post same ow dates. I thought maybe we would have some parallels we could learn from. But you are living with your H, mine moved out a couple weeks after I found out. I do think there needs to be a change that we initiate before we are able to make our sitches better, and we do have to gain the strength to do what we need to do. That is where I am at today. Tomorrow, I have to do something I didn't, and quite frankly, still don't want to do, but we need to take control...of ourselves...and stop letting them control us.
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I started reading your posts tonight. Our sitchs are actually a lot alike except my H still there. I wish he would go though so i can just move on. I cant detach when he here. I try n try n just can't. Both my boys r angry n not happy bc their dad runs around all night long. It's not healthy for them or me to be here when their father wants to carry on a relationship w someone else all the time n pretend like we r a family when he shows up. I continue to ask him to just move out. I cant afford anything right now so it will be a strain n im not sure how i will do it but i cant do this any longer emotionally or i will get sick. I think my H needs to leave to really see what he is losing. He still denies seeing anyone else, yet fails to come home at night w any valid explanation. He's crazy n he's making me crazy. In the past yr I've found condoms, hotel receipts, movie tickets to movies ive never seen etc. He spends money like we r rich...n hasn't even looked for a job. Its insane n in starting to feel like im wearing down from it all...ok..sorry...its 3am...just venting.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
Sorry TND. I do think it is way harder to have an MLC'er in the house...just from what I read, and my true opinion. Heck I see my H at least once a day, and it is so hard to deal with him during those encounters, so I do credit the ones who have their spouses still in the same residence.
All I can say is I feel like I am crazy too, but this is their craziness, let it stay that way.
My advice to you is to start small with a goal...maybe get your own account and save what you can. I am getting ready to deal with the financial bonds with my H, but I am going to do it gradually. Like today, we are jointly on the car insurance policy, so I am planning to go get my own today...sure it will probably cost me a little more, but my H is looking for financial freedom so he can go crazy...so, I figured why not give it to him...reality hopeful sets in for him a little. H drives for a living, so his car payment and car insurance will have to be something he does on his own from now on. Right now he just gives me the money and I pay it...
Remember baby steps...do what you feel is comfortable
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Talk about craziness... had argument with H this morning. Not so much an argument but I told him I can't take it any longer and why can't he just move out? It is enough already. He said he hates me and I told him that is fine...I don't care any more. He can hate me all he wants but why do I have to live with someone that hates me? He still swears there is no one else yet I continue to ask why he is off of the radar and not reachable after 9PM at night for the past year. Forgot all the other evidence I found. I still don't believe him. I told him if I go to the dollar store he is calling me 10 times to ask where I am but he leaves for 18 hours at a time with no call no explanation and I am supposed to just be "OK" with that? Ridiculous. I told him we don't have to live like this any longer. Why should I? He says he doesn't want to be with me, he sleeps on the couch, and runs around all night. What is my incentive at this point to stay living together...nothing!! It is hurting me and the kids. I told him other men hate their wives they just move out but you refuse to go. So, with that being said I came to work today and my phone was ringing all day. Why??? Because my H calling to see how I was doing, how my day was going and to just talk to me. He asked me to go to lunch with him. Told me he hopes I have a nice day. This is the kind of craziness I deal with day in and day out. He has no clue what he wants. He hates me but calls me all day to see how I am. He hates me but wants to come up to my work and take me to lunch. Am I crazy or is this all part of the rollercoaster ride that seems to never end?
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
