Trying not to lose my way in the ultramarathon

[jbnati]

Hey jb, rhetorical question: What does JB want?

At first glance, I want to put the limbo behind me. My W does, too. I think some of it depends on what she's willing to do. If she is willing to move in the direction of R, I am willing to wait on her as long as she's showing baby steps of progress. However, I am also very, very tired. If she is unable or unwilling to R, I just want to move on with my life. There are times when I get excited about the prospect of being in a different relationship. Sometimes I feel guilty if I move things forward with the D, like I'm the one taking the easy way out On the emotional side, I am at the point where if we move things forward with the D, that's the point where I close the door on the relationship.

Do you think your W is testing you, telling you to talk to her through the L and then not responding to your texts from Tuesday?

No, I really don't think she is testing me. I think she is very confused. She has been sending me mixed signals all along. I can say for certain that she's very tired. Likely even more tired than I am.

If she said she would file if this other sticking point weren't completed, are you prepared to wait until she files?

I have a definite no for you on this one. While I really don't believe she would file, if she did file, it's just going to prolong this thing. That was actually my first thought. In the past, when she threatened to file, it triggered a lot of fear. This time, it didn't have that effect. It triggered a feeling of dread, that this thing would go on for another 1.5 years minimum.

How do you see this playing out?

I think I may have partially answered this above. However, my faith tells me one thing and my observations tell me another. My faith tells me it's not over. My observations and general feelings tell me just to move on. On one hand I can see a rebuilding of a M, and that's my faith. On the other hand, I am almost wondering if I am going to have to be in a new, happy relationship before my W sees things differently. By then, it'll be too late.