There's always hope! I'm amazed at some of the seemingly impossible situations that marriages have bounced back from. Lots of stories on these forums and in RetroV too.
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This morning I said good morning to W, and she got angry at me, stating that there was nothing between us anymore, telling me that the entire alienation between us was my fault, that it was permanent and unrecoverable, and that my greeting her amounted to being "phony."
Good grief, all that from just saying "good morning"? This sounds a lot like the "going monster" stuff I've read about in MLC sitches.
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She threw a few choice words at me of the unsavory variety, and told me never to greet her again - only to address her if I had to ask a question or inform her of something.
I would grant her wish on this. Just detach and give her LOTS of space and time! Just leave her to her thoughts.
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and that pretending to be civil now was a poor substitute, and she does not want us to try to be civil.
That is so completely absurd it's almost laughable. Of course one should ALWAYS strive to be civil, even to their worst enemy!
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I struggled with suicidal thoughts this morning and early afternoon.
It will pass, but if you really get overwhelmed then get to a doctor ASAP. I ended up getting on anti-depressants after going through a truly low, low period in which suicide seemed like a brilliant choice. I'm off the A/D's now, but I credit them for getting me through the worst of it.
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But I can't help thinking...am I really completely bad? Is it true that I was always selfish, and never really loved her at all - or anyone else?
Of course it's not true, she's rewritten your entire marital history. It's what WAS's do. That's why we push people to detach and GAL, because it'll rebuild your self-esteem and help you to remember that you are NOT the version of you that she gripes about, there's a lot more to you than that.
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I am scared, and alone, and I don't know what to think. I have no other friends.
Oh boy do I ever remember that. It's a nasty place to be. I had no idea how codependent on my W I was until BD came. Then I felt alone, empty, worthless, unattractive, etc. FORCE yourself to GAL. I didn't want to, I instead wanted to curl up into a ball and sit in the corner weeping and rocking. But I dragged my sorry butt out of the house and did stuff. I HATED it at first! I didn't want to see happy people and sunshine! But the more I did the more I wanted to do, until one day I realized I was going to be fine whether I reconcile or not. You'll get there too! Just get out there and GAL, and keep at it
