Slowing to a Crawl

[Portia]

DM started a list on her thread. I had actually intended to do the same as I turn this corner of accpeting the real reality of MLC. I pasted my response to her below so I could have it on my thread. For me, in the last few weeks especially, I have come to realize that MLC is real. I did not always believe that; was not always convinced. But if even half the things xSO says he is going through are true, then I have to acknowledge its existence.

DM, I do not post often to your thread as I am much further behind than you, but I was also thinking of making a list like this, more for "academic purposes" than anything else.

I have constructed my personal list of things I have learned painfully over the last yr. This is of course is nothing more that a list of what I have been advised over this time by everyone on this site, but this is a list of what I have finally accepted for myself.

Isn't this the truth? People can tell us things over and over but for them to really sink in, we have to learn them for ourselves.

When a spouse wants to walk away, let them, offer a suitcase, and you decide if you want to leave the door ajar behind them.

This is probably true, but I think we all must get there. The MLCer is going to live with enough regrets, I don't think that the LBS should as well. In my case, I am still not quite ready to drop the rope and I am grateful that I am learning the compassion to let go on MY terms, not his. For some, that will not make sense, but it does for me.

MLCer's do NOT live happily ever after with OW or OM

This I can absolutely believe. The MLCer's relationship with the OP is bizarre and unhealthy. Until recently, I did not realize how true that is. That does not mean that it will not take its time to run its course, but rational, stable people would not want a relationship like the ones the MLCer chooses to pursue.

Let go sooner rather than later.

This I agree with as well, recognizing that it is so hard to do especially in the beginning.

MLC has nothing to do with you, it's a personal crisis they blame on you.

Agree with the first part but do not know about the second. Am I being blamed for the crisis? In my case, not the whole crisis but certainly the breakdown of the relationship part. But then, our relationship was fairly untraditional so maybe that is the reason.

Revenge isn't nessecery, they will ruin themselves all on their own.

Yes. Consequences of their actions. Karma.

As soon as the bomb drops, go NC and protect yourself.

This is sound advice, at least until the LBS is not caught up in the drama or "shattering" as Susan Anderson has labelled it. But this is also hindsight for most of us who until BD never dreamed we would need to know that information never mind implement it.

Remember to love and respect yourself, as much as you were willing to love your spouse. I seem to shortchange myself, but lavish him.

Absolutely agree. I would add that there may be some truth in the things the MLCer says but that does not mean beat yourself up forever about those things that cannot be changed. I am still learning this. I am also still learning to worry about me and how I am handling this situation. To not let my life fall apart just because my relationship has. To just let him twist in the wind for awhile while I take care of my business. It sounds so simple, but it isn't.

You have been living a with a false H for quite some time, by the time they bomb you they have already been at this for a while.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I knew he was acting strange but could not put my finger on it. Never would have guessed an A or that I would soon be in for the ride of my life. By the time the BD occurs, they are so detached, they cannot figure out why you would need time to process.

Don't look back in pain and romanticize your R, accept the last few yrs for what they were, and see your S for who they have become.

Agree. This is what will help with acceptance.

They are not the S's we know, they are strangers with strange ideas and no filter for how they will treat you.

This has certainly been my experience. But we also know them better than we think. At least in my experience, now that I have "woken up" a bit myself, I find it easier to detect when he is lying.

The acceptance stage can end up being that they accept all their own MLC lingo as truth and it becomes who they are, and how they want to live the rest of their life.

That is a possibility and we should recognize it. In most of the readings I have done with regard to MLC, it appears inevitable that they will come out the other side as someone we recognize, that all we have to do is wait this whole thing out. There are stats that 80% want to return, the general consensus in the books I have read is that in the end, they come out the other side much like they went in, only more secure with themselves and their situations. It scares me a bit to think that xSO would stay stuck - it would be very sad for him.

Loneliness is not a reason to compromise yourself to you S. What am I missing anyway, H is not good enough for me anymore, he's gone!

This is my montra for when I feel down or anxious, it's helps me move forward, I pray for the day it comes natural for me and "all about H" is truly an afterthought.

Agreed.

There is no end to this list for me, I am still learning and growing everyday. I learn from this site everyday, I am thankful for all I read here and everyone who shares their personal story.

Absolutely agree with this!

There are a couple more things I would add:

MLC is not an excuse to act badly or treat others badly. In counselling, his counsellor has suggested MLC. Now in making a major decision, he appears to make a mental shrug, "meh, MLC" which appears to me to minimize the damage such a decision would cause. Neither the LBS nor the MLCer should allow themselves to get sucked in by the label.

We can only control ourselves. Such a hard lesson for us "fixers" to learn. As much as we can see the MLCer destroying himself, we cannot save them from the train wreck.

I am also still learning not only about MLC but about myself and how much work relationships really are. I get the opportunity to look at my own life and unlike Mr. MLC, will do it rationally. I want the biggest bang for my buck. This is my journey too.