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[needgrace]

hi all, i wanted to share here an incredible post written by ScaredSilly to me on her piecing thread. i have long looked to her as an example (not bc she is in piecing although i am so glad she is) but bc of how she did not get stuck in the feeling of shame in her sitch. this was her post to me:

"Grace, I definitely felt severe shame in the beginning of my sitch. I always tried to avoid my neighbors and would tell them my H was working out of town to explain his absence. Luckily, he did work away a lot so they were used to it. I was so ashamed of being a failure and being "dumped".

I never told anyone but my family about us. I'm retired so I didn't see our friends from work anymore, either. It was all so embarrassing. I did myself away, only going to see family and avoiding all who knew us both.

I have to say, what helped me the most was the letters and lists I wrote to myself. My H had rewritten history so much that, after the initial shock of how terrible I was, I started to rethink all of his versions of me and our marriage.

I began with a list if things I had done for him, his kids, his family, and his friends. I tried to remember everything I did that was generous, living, and considerate towards the people he said I hadn't done enough for.

The list was pretty amazing. I've devoted my life with him to making him happy and I knew that included going way overboard with his family.

It was good to see it all. It helped me to see that he was wrong about me in so many ways. Oh, I had my faults and I worked on them and made myself better but I would not let my goodness be ignored nor forgotten, if only for myself.

Then, I made a list of the things his adult daughter did to me while she lived with us for 2 1/2 years, all expenses paid by him AND me while he was away six months of the year.

It was very enlightening for me. I realized that my resentment was justified but what I did about it was my biggest problem, along with my H's reactions to his daughter.

So, to make a long story shorter, it took away a lot of my shame. I realized that I was a very worthwhile human being. I realized that I had trained people to be ungrateful by doing way too much for them and sacrificing my own needs. I also realized that I needed to find new ways of expressing my needs and my boundaries.

Looking at what I had given was my turning point. It wasn't an overnight thing but a gradual realization. I was not the only person to blame for our sitch. I was ashamed of my H and my SD, too. But that's their cross to bear. As long as my personal boundaries for my core values aren't trampled on and I'm expressing my needs in a kind and non-blaming way, I will not have shame again. I have to work on it daily.

By the way, that was BS what your W said about how things may have been different had you done something differently at the beginning of her cheating with OW. More of shifting the blame to you, trying to make you responsible for her actions and reactions.

Make the lists, Grace. I'm positive your list of what you've done for her will be pages and pages long. Make the other list, too. I'm sure you suffered."
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